Desperate

Beholding Your beauty is all that I long for...

I love certain songs.. they get me pumped and thankful and fueled. This morning was amazing. A raw acoustic session.

I left feeling such a pull on my heart.

I am desperately wanting to encounter destiny. Im not sure I have ever felt so passionate about seeking the kingdom in all that I am and do. I often get confused about the choices I make.. if I take a wrong step will it throw everything out of whack? Today I realised that the only way to live is to live honestly and desperately seeking a kingdom hearted life. I have to trust that my feet will land on the right path.

Seedy Seedy

Tonight was funny..

It was such a contrast.

I spent hours sitting on a balcony overlooking the ocean and then the night sky in ocean vista.. it was gorgeous.. then I got a call from James as I was leaving to go and see him at the local Burnie pub scene.. I avoid it in general (its just too seedy).. but tonight I gave in and went to Greens where he was. I went in for bout 5 mins and during that time got touched on the butt by 3 old blokes and had a drink bought for me by another seedy fella. I left soon after!

It just occurred to me that this exact experience is what SO many of my friends hang out for every weekend.. they live for it!

Crazy.

The Low Down

So... I have been asked a lot lately "have you moved back to Burnie?"

I had a squiz at my blog and realised I havent really been that clear about whats going on in life for me right now.

So here it is..

im living in Launceston for another year. Ive moved into an awesome house with James and Josh, both mates from uni. I would say this has been the best move ever, because Im living with legends.

I travel back to burnie quite a bit on account of the friends I have there who rock my world - but no.. I havent moved back!

Travel - overseas.. yes.. that was a grand plan that was all the go for a bit there.. had a job in the UK all lined up but thats not happening until probably at least august 09 - perhaps later depending on the circumstances :-) BUT IT WILL HAPPEN!

Job - currently working but not as a teacher.. details are in an earlier blog.

Looking for a teaching position for next year.. but not really actively searching for one if that makes sense.

Umm what else is there.. not a lot. Hmm no other big news for the public eye.

So there you have it lads.. the updated life of the Coz.

trust

- thoughts about the past few months -

i like knowing i can be trusted with...things.. but I dont like that i continually am put in a position where i have to (but dont) break the trust of another in order to maintain the trust with the other one. i dont think people deliberately put me in this position, but its getting old. Im realising it is selfish on their behalf and manipulative too.. but to them, well, they just want to know things for their own sake.. not thinking about where that leaves me.

Its a tough one to balance, but I think im getting the hang of it!

a moral

yesterday started out pretty rough. I had a million things to do and not nearly enough time. On top of that, yesterday came with a lot of emotional crap too. I found out my close friend sarah and her family have been deported- leaving Saturday. I have been pretty close to her and her family over the past years and this was heart breaking news - especially for them!

So i found myself running around madly trying to sort everything out in time. in the words of sparkadia "toooooooooooooooooooooo much to doooooooooo, and there's not enough time"

Little things kept going wrong. Just when I thought I had it all set and everything done the car I was driving to the coast (sharons) decided to blow a few important fuses and this left me with no indicators.. I discovered this after wondering why i was suddenly being thrown abuse at every roundabout I came to.. note to self: check blinkers are working before attempting a roundabout maneuver.

So anyway.. a few friends had gotten together for a little bday tea type thing last night.. i arrived half an hour late to my own party.. bit flustered and not feeling up for a party.

Turned out to be a great night. my peeps are downright legends .. I bumped into lots of old mates over the night too.. thats one thing I love about Burnie.. always bump into someone I know! So that was fun.

watched this movie suggested by VT and Sarah - Mr Magorium's Wonder Emporium. It was charming, quirky, witty and cute! I really enjoyed it.. and lets just say.. I now want to have one of those monkey teddies!

So that was fun also. then today was meant to be skydiving. i was SO pumped for it.. but unfortunately on account of the weather it could not be done.. no no no no no way jose! So the plan is to make a weekend of it heading to swansea (i think).. so in a way that will be mega good.. get to see views of a beautiful coastline and even get to land on the beach!

So my day was spent just hanging with peeps and watching the clouds.. then Bushman's 21st party. enjoyed it muchos.

i guess the moral of my ramble is that launceston is crap and burnie is good.

i still love launceston - just love the burnie people more :-)

New Job

YEY!

I finally scored myself the dream job.. I knew it was coming.. I could feel it coming throughout all the confusion and frustration.. it was there.. waiting for me.. ahhhh!

So I'm working as an In Home Carer/Tutor for 3 kids. Two twin boys (5yrs) and an 8 yr old girl. They are awesome kids too. Little dudes! I'm mega pumped for this adventure.

It means I have full time hours at a great pay rate in a job I love. Couldn't ask for much more!

That is all for today chipmunks.

xx

invisible boy

today i went to the invisible boy cd launch. it was good. very good. they have developed their style so much over the past year.. they have this signature 3 part harmony thing going on.. it is quite entertaining indeed! i enjoyed myself.. the type of show where you can feel every singer/musician in the audience is just edging to get up and sing along at the top of their lungs.. and infact.. they did have a few crowd members get up and join in.. a little dude jumped on the drums and went for it.. it was impressive!

in other news - im one of those idiots jumping out of a plane next weekend. im a little terrified but my friends have been convincing me just how unlikely it is that i will die.. we will see how that goes!

x

a poem for anything and everything

tomorrow i busk
from dawn til dusk
tomorrow i busk


tomorrow i sing
to see what fortune it will bring
tomorrow i sing


tomorrow i play
so the bills get paid
tomorrow i play

little sad

when time was too much and my face lacked a smile
i would take a walk to town to dawdle a while
dragging my feet, wasting our time
having a deep conversation between me and my mind

plodding through the isles pretending to look busy
a fresh little girl in a stale dull city

i could have a lot of fun here if I had at least a buck
but instead I will just look, resist the urge to touch
''beep'' goes the buzzer as another enters the store
my mind begins to imagine how many have been here before

i will hide in the crowds just pretending to keep busy
a fresh little girl in the stale old city

keeping to myself, this store belongs to me
i hold my head high, I'm just a guest in my own territory
apparently you were there - and you had decided
you had a plan to get my attention - and so you tried it

at first I walked by, not even a second glance
until I heard another girl make a comment on your stance
i turned around to see what was "so cute"
and there your were - looking bloody beaut!

i looked at the girl, then back at you,
i had to make a move - I knew she was going to!
looking like a freak, making dashes towards the front of the store
you were mine and that was that - no question in it anymore

i was a fresh little girl in a dull, old city
and you were my new friend - a cute little kitty

you were a good buddy to have I will tell you this
apart from that time you ate all my pet fish
a hot water bottle couldn't possibly compare
to the snuggles you give and the companionship we share

a friend for four years, and a memory for many to come
its time to say 'catch ya later, come and meet your new mum'

xxx

Re: Life

Your shadow walks faster than you
You don’t really know what to do - do you?
Do you think that you’re not alone?
You really think that you are immune too
Its gonna get the best of you
Its gonna lift you up and let you down

It will defeat you then teach you to get back up
After it takes all that you learn to love

Your reflection is a blur
Out of focus but in confusion
The frames are suddenly burnt
And in the end of a roll of illusion a ghost waiting its turn
Now I can see right through
It’s a warning that nobody heard

It will teach you to love what you’re afraid of
After it takes away all that you learn to love

But you don’t always have to hold to your head higher than your heart

You better hope you’re not alone

Your echo comes back out of tune
Reverb is just a room
The problem is that there’s no truth
Its fading way too soon
The shadow is on the move
And maybe you should be moving too

Before it takes away all that you learned to love
It will defeat you and then teach you to get back up

Cause you don’t always have to hold your head higher than your heart.




*********************************************************************************
Jack Johnson - Hope.

Belongs to Me

I love November in Launceston.

The gorge pool is full again which means early morning swims. The whole gorge belongs to me at 6am. It is awesome. Not a soul in sight. I really do have it good in Launceston. Im beginning to love the place more and more as the sun starts to show its face again.

Some things I love about my home:

Cafes on Charles St
Pub Scene
Live Music Venues
The Gorge
24hr stores
Local music radio stations
Royal Park
Free Yoga and Fitfun in the park
A million Indian Restaurants
The variety of people

In general.. it is a big small town. I like it. It has taken me this long, but now I am beginning to love it.

Ask No Questions

Some sayings that I hear all the time - in general conversation.. I'm actually surprised how much we say these in our day to day conversations.. anyway, I don't like them. I think its funny how we just say things without really thinking about it.

"all good things come to an end" (actually I know a few good things that are eternal..)

"you made your bed, so now you have to lie in it" (says who? made a few mistakes..who cares.. move on and make another bed if you so wish!)

"ask no questions and hear no lies" (hmm..)

"cleanliness is next to godliness" (well.. hmm.. no comment)

"ignorance is bliss" (no, actually its not. It is destructive)

"love sees no faults" (no.. no no no! If you love someone, you know their faults yet still love them..what happens if you think you are in love and then BAM you find a fault.. if love sees no faults does that mean you aren't in love anymore? Pfft)

"no news is good news" (well.. thats if you assume the world is a happy place - ignorance is bliss?)

"the first step is the hardest" (It is sometimes hard.. yes.. but statistically speaking in my history of journeys I would say that at least 83.7% of the time the hardest step appears randomly throughout the journey- Just to be picky.)

"the more one knows, the less one believes" (I pretty much hate this one)

"there is a time and place for everything" (no - no there is not. Is there a time and place for starvation, rape, murder - any form of injustice? Agreed - I may be taking this one a bit far, but it is what crosses my mind whenever I hear it)

"what you don't know can't hurt you" (well.. that is just a lie)

So there are my thoughts. Im not all Gung Ho about this by the way, just been thinking about it. Words are powerful things.. said in context, Im sure they are harmless.. but I just wonder if we say these things enough would we begin the believe them subconsciously or something? hmm.. Dont know.

Underestimating You Again

Wouldn't you know it?

It is all OK.

It all comes together again.

It always does.

Im sorry I ever doubted it would.

thought of the day

I wonder if butterflies get tatoos of women on their bums?

Savage

Savage Garden were playin in Best and Less today... and.. well... I got something out of the song they were singing.. sadly.. but I did..

he says in one line something like

"we stopped living and started existing"..

It got me thinking.. and Im still thinking.

WHOA!!!!!... and I just flicked onto a different screen (myspace) and there was an add that said "feat Darren Hays".. hmmm trippy.. or just gay?

Honest To Blog!

I watched Juno.

I love it.

I watched it again.

I loved it more.

In other news..

I am not having much luck with the job hunt.. I am considering sending my resume to a childrens network thing where you work as a nanny for a family.. would be awesome.. hmm?

I am going to be the new owner of Jasons guitar. That is a little exciting.

Joined a new gym today - womens only - woo.. should be great fun. Still going to take some boxing classes twice a week at my old gym with Glenn and Andy because they want to get back into it.

Had another sweet bbq last night. Some uni buddies came along and we played childrens games all night which was actually hilarious. Lots of fun.

I have a tan.. not sure how it happened.. but all of a sudden I am BROWN.. and I havent had that much sun.. maybe Im eating too much chocolate? Can too much chocolate turn your skin brown? ... hmm?

Im going coastal this weekend to see the family.. my sister is in a production at her school so that should be entertaining.. got plans to catch up with a few homies while Im down.. should be quite the social weekend.

Hmm.. not much else is news.. December excitement is now August excitement..thats big news.. but thats a whole other blog!

Sparkadia this Friday night.. chillin.. should be great.

Ciao Macho

Diggin the Giggin

On Saturday I went to see Butterfly Effect rock it out. The support bands were interesting. I was all keen to see Trial Kennedy because I really like the songs I have heard of theirs.. they get a lot of airplay on Triple J and its always good stuff.. but I was pretty disappointed! They walked out on stage looking like a bunch of locals who decided to get up and have a jam at an open mic night and when they started bustin out the tunes they not only had a terrible mix but the competition between the band members was massive.. they were all trying to outshine each other and it put out an awkward vibe. The sound was terrible.. from both support bands.. and it got me thinking that Butterfly Effect would also be pretty crap because of the venue (saloon) and the dodgy sound guys they must have hired.. but..

...When Butterfly Effect came out it was epic. From beginning to end it was epic. No other word to describe it. I didnt even know half of the songs they were playing but it rocked me. I loved it. The sound was perfecto, the stage presence was like nothing Ive ever seen before and the crowd LOVED it. I couldn't get over just how awesome their performance was.. Clint Boge (lead vocals) reminded me so much of Gerard Way (lead singer from My Chemical Romance).. just in his stage presence.. and he actually had a jacket on that is much like the signature jacket of Gerard Way. Very different styles of music but something kicks butt with their performance..It was insane.. I loved it.

So Friday night it is off to see Sparkadia with support band Oh Mercy which will be interesting.. Im hoping Oh Mercy are more professional then Trial Kennedy. Pumped for Sparkadia, I really dig their tunes.. just hope they impress me live!

I am beginning to realise that it is very easy to produce an album that hooks fans in, but not so easy to rip out an awesome gig that keeps those fans and brings in the loyal forever loving fans.. but now I see why Butterfly Effect are easily one of Australia's biggest bands..

So enough ramble from me. Time to head to Blue and grab a tasty coffee. Mmm.

Almost a Poem

I saw you on the weekend

- It almost broke my heart -

We spoke very briefly

- It almost broke my heart -

She sees you more then I do

- It almost breaks my heart -

We dont tell anyone about it

- It almost breaks my heart -

Im trying to move on from you

- Because its almost breaking my heart -

Now you say you want this?

- It breaks my heart -

We almost had something going there

- but now Im breaking your heart -

I am I am.. I am I am.. I think I am..

I have recently been enjoying BBQs in my backyard with quality people having quality conversations and generally enjoying some quality time.

It is nice to sit back and chillax once in a while. I am liking this lifestyle.. but I am also craving a bit of direction now.. I like to be busy.. and Im feeling like a bit of a slacker.. so bring on some work or something!

Hmmm.. long weekend.. any excuse for another BBQ.

Holy Cow!

On Sunday James and I decided to go for a drive to the coast to check out the blues festival and see my parents. We had a pretty chilled day just cruising around - good music, great food and a few nice juices from that spanky new mobile juice van. Yum.

All was cool. We went to visit my parents who were doing the Sunday arvo thing with the neighbours. Everyone had a brew in hand and the music was cranking. Mum was cooking up a storm on the new massive BBQ. It was great. I felt back at home again. Dad took James off to talk about home brew and old school music for about an hour and I sat and chilled with the ladies. They were all so awesome. I really love my neighbours in Wynyard. They were all tryin to get me to sing them a song, so I said that they would have to join in. Ha. It was hilarious. I requested Daryl Braithwaite - The Horses. Suddenly my backyard was a chorus of singers going for it at the top of their lungs.. haha.. so it turned into a singalong where everyone was requesting songs and we all got up and had a dance. I was keen to hit the road because it was getting dark and I was pretty tired. So after convincing mum and dad that we really did have to leave (and they convinced us that we really should stay and have another dance)... we finally got out of there! It was good fun.

Driving home was not so fun! We got to about Elizabeth town pretty safely, and then all of a sudden I was being waved down by a dude in the middle of the road. I was going 110km and had to slam the breaks on.. it was freaky. I looked across the road and saw a red commodore in the ditch, the front all smashed in and it was obvious it had been a head on collision of some sort. I jumped out of the car and we walked down towards a figure lying on the road. We were scared, both of us sayin how we didnt want to see what it was, we werent too keen on having to see whatever it was lying on the road. James said it looked like a motorbike.. no matter how much our minds were telling us not to go down the road, our feet just took us there. When we got closer I let out a laugh of relief.. it was most horrible thing I had seen, but it wasn't a motorbike.. it was a cow... a massive.. giant.. thug of a thing.. cow. We looked back down the road and cars had started piling up now. There were people with the girl in the red car, so we didn't worry about heading back to help her, we now had to get this cow off the road! It was a task.. it was gross.. it was horrible. I wont go into detail to save you getting visuals..

I am really concerned about how many cows have been hit lately.. it is so dangerous. That girl is very lucky.. (well lucky is not a word i like to use, but im struggling to think of a better one).. She had a baby in the car too...and im not exaggerating when I say that cow was massive.

Anyway.. now I have been having nightmares and it is just not something I would have liked to witness. So my weekend was awesome until the cow incident.. then it became..well.. gross.

HOLD ON TO YOUR HEART

hold on to your heart


You tell me I need Him to fill the empty gap
Well, mate I think you’re full of crap.

You silently speak with the figure in your mind
He sits in the clouds looking over mankind.

What good is this guy if He is hanging out up there?
If He truly is the answer then why is the world so unfair?

Your guys keep telling me “life can be great!”
But I prefer reality - even if it is second rate.

Will I go to hell if I choose not to believe in something so unbelievable?
If God has so much grace - how is this conceivable?

I love your double standards; they could really work out for me,
Come on church! Let’s give an offering and buy ourselves some more slave-made tea.

Keep up appearances and don’t let yourself slide,
If you were really honest about your faith- you would have nothing to hide.

So thanks for your thoughts on my life and how it should be,
I appreciate the thought - but I know already.

If you don’t understand I will make it clear -
I am not a pretender and I won’t conform to your idea.

I am who I am. No surprises with me.
I am honest with my God, as honest as I can be.

embarrassed

Oh my golly giddy gallabians! I just saw some pics that were taken of me a year ago for a wedding I was in. These pics weren't the glamour pics that everyone takes these days, angled from the roof so you lose that double chin and manage to hide all those extra kgs... these pics were just of us girls cruising around the house getting ready for the wedding - natural.

Anyway - I just looked through them all and couldn't believe my eyes. Since that time last year I have shed 27kgs and people are now saying how awesome im looking, but in all honesty I have wondered why the heck I cant see the difference.. I think it is because all the pics I have to look back on are just head shots or glamour style... but looking back on these pics.. FAR OUT. I can't believe I used to look like that. I am actually embarrassed for myself. I must have been in denial.. because I was never too worried about how I looked, always happy with myself.. which is a good thing, but not great for my health.

These days it is different. I am really aware of how I look.. which can be good and bad.. but far out.. I am just glad I dont look like that anymore!

I am shocked. I never realised how big I was.
Ugh.
I feel so embarrassed.

travels

Well I just got back from Melbourne, where I spent a lot of time reflecting on who I am and where I want to be. I was staying with a house full of kiwis who like to smoke the weed a lot and who think beer is more important than water. As a result of this I spent a LOT of my time walking around exploring Melbourne and just generally getting out of the house. One day I was walking to a train station which was meant to be a ten minute walk, but I felt such a desire to take a wrong turn and get lost in a place I know nothing about without a map.. so i did. I found myself 2 hours later at the beach in St Kilda, so effectively I had walked through 5 suburbs in some kind of round-a-bout way.. and there I was. Jumped on a train and cruised into the city.

Melbourne trams and trains.. so depressing. Everyone acts like they are so scared of each other. No one wants to look anyone in the eye just in case they are some kind of a freak. I was so shocked at how silenced it was.. yet so many people. Confused me.

I didnt have the best time in Melb. I am not a fan of the culture there. Maybe it was just the people I was around, but the vibe aint a good one!

I had my interview and all went well - got the job all confirmed which is great but Im having second thoughts about going through that agency.. I have had offers from another 2 agencies which I am very much considering. It is good to know I have a job guaranteed if I need it but am going to look around for a better option.

Things are good in general - happy with the sunshine, it means I can get out and about more. I am loving the outdoors lately. Planning on doing some hiking in the next few weeks. I went to Bridport the other day to camp and failed miserably.. forgot to pack the tent poles.. so that was fun. But - if you want a good full sized meal Bridport is that place to be! $5 chicken parmi served with chips and salad.. mmmmm good value!

So thats it from me - over and out.

Snapshot of My Emotion

Today we cheered

Voices trembled and hearts were pounding
Cheeks were red and tears prepared

Friends
Don't let go, let it linger.

Mates held hands
Strangers cried together

Authorities congratulated
Underdogs arose to finish

Popularity became transparent
It was always fickle

Today we cheered
The end of an era

Graduation

Last night was amazing. We had our graduation ball and it was a night I will remember forever. I love my friends so much. All the graduates got up on the stage for one massive photo and you could just feel the emotion. We are all so relieved and excited and pumped for our future. I have made the most amazing friends at uni. Love them with all my heart! xx

smiles

Oh I am so happy.

I am going to Melb on Friday and my good friend Dan just called and said he would join me.

How awesome.

I am blessed majorly with the lovely friends in my life who do things like this for me.

xx

This is the Last

I am at uni currently - it is 1:25am. I have been here all day. Been working on my very last assignment EVER. It is massive. Seriously, about 30 pages. I am over it. I just finished all the thinking part of it.. now I just need to cut a few things and stick them in.

Tomorrow is my ball. I was making my dress but due to having to alter it a million times because either I keep getting smaller or it keeps getting bigger, I have decided to just go and buy one that fits me on the day. Ha. So yes, tomorrow morning, off to the shops to buy a ball gown. Fun. I hate shopping.

Tomorrow night is meant to be the highlight of our uni degree.. but I would almost say last night was. I had a party to celebrate the last Wednesday of uni - random but fun. Had heaps of people rock up and we all danced in the kitchen, packed in with a few guitars and bongo drums crankin. We all had a massive sing along and it was awesome. I was chillin with people I have seen the last four years but never met.. and now we are great buddies. ha. Well too bad it is all over on Tuesday. We are all a bit sad about this but it is also very exciting.

In reflection, I have met the most amazing people at uni. We will all go our own way, but these memories will stay forever. Tonight is one I wont forget.. it is not unusual for us to be here this late.. but tonight we did something a little different. We grabbed a 6 pack of beers and some indian take away and all sat around in the labs having our own little chillax party while punching out this assignment. I would say it has been the most fun assignment I have ever done.

Well it is now bed time for me, the beauty needs her sleep for the ball tomorrow night.

Goodnight Machos and Bellas xx

Cleaning out the Closet

Tonight my life is different

Formally choosing to shut you away in my emotions chest

Instead have chosen to cast you out

There is no room in my drawers for you and your baggage

No energy left to deal with the frustration

Tonight my life is different

Tonight you are not part of it


I am at the point in life where I am realising a lot of the issues that are big to me dont need to be. I have been dealing with people, things, situations, feelings and memories for way too long that are really no longer a part of who I am. I dont need these things, yet I still cling to them because the give me some kind of happiness on the odd occasion. I dont need that. I am letting go with grace and peace and am determined to find forgiveness in myself. Part of this process is cutting ties with certain people. I realised that they have such an emotional tie to the things that get me down.. I know it seems severe. I am sad but relieved.

Time

Time - it is the strangest element of life.

The last four years of my life have just flown by. It seemed to take SO long while I was in it, but now looking back it is hard to believe I was wanting it to go faster... it is just so strange.

Last night was daylight savings night. Suddenly we have 'an extra hour' in our day.. I go for a jog most nights and tonight was absolutely beautiful. I decided to walk through Invermay and across the boardwalk under the bridge to the gorge. I jogged the gorge track from Trevallyn to to pool and back. There were SO many families walking tonight. I noticed the same last night. There are so many more people out and about - and I reckon its all because daylight savings. A little more 'time' in their day, a little more sunshine, and WALLAH! family time! I am really cheered from my jog tonight.. really pumped for tomorrow night. Makes me happy to see so many people out and about.

Anyway - that is all sir. Enjoy your night xx

hate is a strong word

i hate money

with a passion

more than any other worldly creation - i hate money

it is so destructive and demanding and restricting and controlling

i dont know what i prefer - having no money but struggling, or having too much money and responsibility.

i hate money

telephonics

Dan called from Kalgoorlie as per usual at 9pm. But tonight was different. He was there with all his buddies. They were from all around the world. I spoke with a couple of kiwis, an indian dude and even got to chat in afrikaans with a guy from africa.. he only knew a bit of afrikaans so it was awesome having a chat in as much broken language as we could manage!

it was good fun.

i love meeting people - even if it is over the phone - especially people who are well travelled and can share all about their experiences and give advice on where to go.. its awesome.

Dan asked me tonight to try and visit kalgoorlie sometime before the december excitement so i could meet all his friends over there.. would really love to but not sure if i can squeeze it in! There is so much happening in the next few months - life is rather mad right now. But i love it.

I need to work out priorities and such.

starsailor

Yet another AMAZING band rises from the UK.

I recently invested in a set of 5 disks that have a range of alternative guitar based bands.. mainly packed full of radiohead. There are some amazing songs on this set.. and I have only listened to one disk so far! I am hanging out to hear the rest.. I should actually check out if it is a UK set or not, because it does have a lot of radiohead, coldplay, gomez and another band that I have fallen in love with - Starsailor. Actually - come to think of it.. all the bands on this set are English Indie as far as I know. I am going to check this out.

Anyway

James Walsh has the most unique and beautiful voice in the world. I love it. Their songs are very deep both lyrically and musically. I particularly love the song called 'tied up my hands'. It has something about it that just grabs me in the strangest of ways!

They are a guitar band but use a lot of keys and are very lyrically driven. It is very much about the vocal melody.

I recommend you check them out. I fully dig them - what I have heard of them. And surprise surprise they are out of the UK.

Ciao Macho

Metaphorically Speaking

Key Changes - the cheap emotional musical experience.

Today I turned the radio on, and it was tuned into a local christian radio station so I just left it and thought 'what the heck, i will give it a shot'. The songs are all very similar in style, all very verse - chorus - verse - chorus - bridge - chorus -chorus - structure. The thing I noticed about these songs in comparison to the music I usually listen to is the number of key changes.

In the last chorus there is this build up and key change then they sing the exact same chorus as before but in a different key.. and for some reason this gets people all emotionally involved in the song and they dig it at that point.

Interesting.. personally I think it is tacky - in most cases.

So I got thinking.. if my life were a song.. hmm.

Do I want to keep doing the same thing over and over again but chuck in a key change occasionally to make it a little more exciting...? Not really.

I want my life song to be intriguing... complex yet simple... harmonic but not just the 1st - 3rd - 5th structure harmonies... melodic...I want my melodies to dance around the reference note, no key changes... just exciting and empowering musical genius working its magic and doing its thing... I want to sing in languages unknown... ahhh... if my life were a song I would embrace it in full.

Metaphorically speaking..

nervous right about now!

These next weeks are critical.

I finish uni on the 14th of October. 2 major assignments to knock off before then.

Confirmed financial stuff today..

Tomorrow I do some cool bookings that cost a lot of money..

Then I start getting excited.

Next week I get my LAT organised and start relief work.

On October 17th I fly to Melb to finalise the December excitement. I have my final interview to say yes 100% doing it, and I have an appointment with the authorities to make sure I have everything ready to go.

December 8th I jump out of a plane.

December 9th I turn 22 (ugh...) - potentially spending this day in hospital on account of the previous day's activities.

December 13th I graduate and get handed a piece of paper.

December 14th - ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!

note to self

Love is a very splendid thing...

Goed Oefen

(afrikaans)
Ek gaan to melb in 3 weke vir 'n werk onderhoud om te onderrig in torquay. dit is 'n bietjie opwindend, maar ek is baie senuagtig ook. Ek het ookin aanraak met 'n internationale skool wat het 'n skool hier in launy. Ek is steeds beplan om te los in desember maar mag oplaai sommige werk voor dan. steeds voel terneergedruk maar ek dink ek leer hoe om te behandel dit voor dit word te. asseblief ekskuus my spel, ek is steeds leer hierdie taal, maar dit is goed oefen!

(engels)
Im heading to Melbourne in 3 weeks for an interview. Bit excited but very nervous. I also have been in touch with an international school that has a school in Launy. Im still planning the December excitement but will see what happens bewteen now and then - not really depending on me anymore.. im set.. depends on the someone else! Still feeling not so great but I have learnt to deal with that before it gets too nasty. Excuse any spelling mistakes, just having a practice.

Sleepless Nights

Don't you just love it when you are so tired - but cant sleep.

I was flaking out on the couch about 2 hours ago.. almost dead to the world.

I said my goodbyes to facebook friends and jumped into bed.

Laying there - eyes closed - talking to myself amongst my thoughts..

No sleep.

My mind decided not to shut off.

So I got up, did a few easy exercises on the random apparatus we have in our house.

Jumped back into bed. Not enough. Need to get rid of more energy.

Got up again, onto the bike this time. Did a 5km sprint ride. An attempt to burn baby burn all that energy... Now I am wide awake.

Made a fruit salad for tomorrow. Now I'm just hungry! Its 2am.. I should be sleeping. Instead I am blogging.

This is annoying. Lately I can't sleep. I have had a friend stay over the last couple of nights this week and its been great to lay awake chatting into the night, falling asleep at some point.. but when I'm on my own, my thoughts just wont give in.

I find this ridiculous. Any suggestions?

nasty girl

Macy knows exactly how to play the game
– getting in with the nice girl so she can use her to find her way in
Friendships form, but a plan all the same.

Little to Macy’s knowledge – the nice girl has been played many times before.
She knows these games back to front
She knows Macy is just looking for a door.

Damn you nice girl! Why do you let such games be played?!
Macy found another way - Tell her secrets
Then she will feel betrayed.

Secrets bind nice girl from honesty
Demanding and game-worthy
They pull her down and begin to tear at her very image, you see.

Macy thinks she has got it made now. She has found her place in the group, the ‘clique’.
Nice girl takes off – too sad and upset at the naivety of her friends.
Macy has no interest in you – only in him.
The games begin.

Ek het 'n kak dag vandag!

Vandag ek het 'n crap dag. Ek voel regtig terneergedruk. Dit het baie om te doen met die feit dat ek gaan toer met Daniel to Torquay en te danke aan geld hierdie mag nie wees gebeurtenis nou. Ek dit net frustrerend omdat ek het nie 'n duidelike begrip van waar ek sal wees volgende jaar. Dit is frustrerend en ek voel siek weens dit. Ek wou nie skryf hierdie in engels so u het dit in afrikaans. Indien u verstaan - sleg. Ander redes sluitin manne, wel meer so die meisies dat assosieer met die manne. Dit is net hinderlik en ek is meisies omtrent dit alles. So daar u het dit. Ek het 'n kak dag! Dankie Manne.

Habit

Wake up early - it is a nice day - she would usually smile.
Instead she stays in bed until at least 4 more hours have passed.
Sleep through the buzz - everyone else's lives are just as hers should be.
Gets up - walks around - stumbles through the house deciding to retreat back to bed where she can feel warmth - yet no security.
Heater cranking, TV on to block out any thought.
Phone beside her - waiting. Nothing.
Push play - start the season so she can block out another episode of thought.
Stressful dreaming - catholic schools - ringing bells bigger and louder than conceivable.
All the while she is standing, clinging to a plank of wood - floating in the dark water.
Afraid of the unknown.
Wake up. Look around. He is gone. Rest easy now. Push play for another episode.
Sun is belting its heat through the slats in the blinds. Time to get up.
Day is lost. Better it be lost than another reason to feel lost.

zoe is my sunshine

i am happy.

today has been a mix of things.

running around getting bits and pieces done.

went to uni and did a maths test - ugh.

had a nice chat with my girls.

worked.

steve is coming over for tea again.

today is a happy and productive day.

blugh

yawn - i see you there
20 seconds of mediocrity
flop down
don't even try
love - its not what you think it is
clean your face - you are dribbling
maybe
how do you know
don't tell me
put it on the wall

DDW

Hoorah!

It is over. I am SO relieved. Never again in my life will I participate in Mayhem Madness.. I can honestly say it has been so so so fun, but also one of the hardest things I have had to do!

So tonight marked the end of Mayhem Madness and the beginning of the next week long challenge. This week I am participating in what is called DDW. It stands for Dedicated Discipline Week. The rules are as follows:

- must go to ALL classes
- must do at least 2 hours of reading for assignments per day
- must spend as much time working on assignments as spent in leisure activities (hard one)
- no going out for social occasions
- no alcohol or addictive substances (too easy)
- must eat all healthy foods and drink 2lt of water each day
- must have the house clean and ready for surprise inspections from monitors
- must participate in the hour long walk each night
- must do a further half and hour exercise each day


The rules are quite simple.. but the monitors are strict! We have to keep a diary of our progress and have an accountability partner.

You know what.. I am going to LOVE this week.. I am really excited about it!

All this ''end of uni'' stuff is actually quite cool and is making us all a little more cheery about the fact that it is coming to an end.

Oh by the way - did I mention - I am officially the winner of the Mayhem Madness Week? Yes, that is right.. I didn't break a single rule the whole week. CHAMPION!

So this week will be much better..

Consider yourself updated.

Later Mater
Coz x

6 years later..

Wynyard is a small place. I just got chatting to a girl I went to high school with. I haven't seen her in years so it was crazy to see how she is doing. She has 3 kids all to different guys and is living in Wynyard still, working as a consultant for a company similar to avon. I asked her if she had seen our friend Leah recently and she said something along these lines:

''yeah she works at woolies and is wif matt who has 2 kids to helen on king island, not the matt im wif but the matt that tacca was wif in high school. Im wif matt that was wif hilary. Helen is on king island wif matts brother and matts kids. Leah has no kids yet but shes doing great.''

WHOA! Hang on a second.. these are my girls!!! Whats happened? I said how crazy it is that we have all ended up in different situations in life.. and asked her if she ever dreamed of being a mum to 3 kids by 21.. she said no..

I think she would make a wonderful mum.. and kids are not something to be seen as a burden in her life.. but i just wonder where she would be if she chose to break out of the small town when she still had all these dreams of becoming a makeup artist and traveling the world. Not everyone has to get out and travel etc.. but I do clearly remember we had so many conversations in high school about young mums and how we wanted to experience a bit of the world before any of that.. and now I feel a little sad for her... but at the same time so proud that she is being an amazing mum to her kids.

Anyway - it just got me thinking about it.. because I wonder how small decisions (and big ones) can ultimately change the course of life.. and will I be making mistakes if I choose to go places, when clearly my heart is here.. I dont know.. I am just scared. Scared to make the wrong decision. Even more scared to make the right decision.

Friends, Madness & Love.

I have a beautiful friend.

A while ago, he drove from Burnie to come and visit me in Launceston just to make sure I was alright. The legend knew something wasn't quite right. Back then I almost found it frustrating because I didn't want to tell someone about what was going on.. not that it was a big deal.. just happier not voicing it! He came in and sat on my bed and talked, cried and prayed with me for hours that day. The night crept up on us and he took off back to Burnie and life went on as usual.. I never really gave it a second thought.. he calls at times, just for a chat.. and sometimes its bad timing so we dont get to talk much, but just to know he is there thinking about me and wanting to know how I am.. pretty cool.. so anyway he called just checking in.. just a chat to see that things were alright.. and it reminded me of that day.. life just seemed to keep rolling and I never really took in how much he actually helped me out. And what do I do for him? Not a lot.. sometimes I get grumpy at myself because I just want to be that person who drops everything for anyone who needs me. Thats a tough thing sometimes. Hmm.. Im just blabbing my thoughts.

Hmmm tonight I am home - just me and George cuddled up in bed.. its nice.. peaceful. I am still competing in the Mayhem Madness. Tonight we went to The Royal Oak and then on to the Royal on George.. danced a bit.. met some new people. It seems almost everyone I meet says ''OH! Your're Coz!! I have heard all about you!''... it gets me paranoid!! Why do all these people know me.. AGH! But anyway.. they are all nice dudes.. had a lot of fun actually.. I was the taxi girl tonight so I drove from venue to venue and then decided to call it an early one at 2am and head home to bed.. I am just chatting online and doing the facebook thing until I get a call from my girls asking me to come and pick them up. Fun fun. So ONE night left of the Mayhem Madness.. and I am REALLY over it now. Last night pretty much wrecked me! I need a night in at home.. this truly is mad. Tomorrow night is meant to be the big one where we all go off the show.. fortunately I don't really get involved in that anyway.. so it will probably just be a lot of dancing and meeting more people and then heading back home for a big rest before starting the week again.

So there you have it.. updated.

I was saying to Stef today that I tend to blab on about nothing useful in my blogs.. but once I get going I just go for it. Oh well.

Sleep tight fellow bloggers
xxx - three kisses... means im feelin the love tonight - just sharing it around with muh homies. Chill crew. Laters.

Just Crimpin'

I have a friend who is a chick,
She likes to blog and talks real quick.
I met her only a few months ago,
and we got talking about the people we know.
We made up a number system only we know about,
but some curious boys have tried to figure it out!
We give nothing away and they don't have a clue,
so watch out friends - especially number 2!
We have a lot of harmless fun,
giggling lots when we walk in the sun.
Somerset beach is home to many great conversations,
its where we talk out all of our frustrations.
I miss her muchly and cant wait to catch up,
so we can chat and drink coffee out of a cup.
I'm struggling to rhyme this amazing piece of text,
so I'm going to end it now by rhyming text with next.
It sucks when I can't think of a cool word,
and now this piece of brilliance has turned into turd.
So here it is Stef, just as I said I would,
A blog all about you - I did the best I could.

lyric

- Ive got all this money but no sense to make change -

Birds of Tokyo




One of his lyrics that stood out to me tonight.. play on words.. I like it.

Birds of Tokyo

Perth, WA - indie band
Birds of Tokyo
Recent Album - Universes

I have liked the band for a while now.. but not to the point where I love them..

Somehow live gigs have the power to make that change for me. Tonight I saw Birds live and really enjoyed it. I watched from the back for a bit, but couldn't resist the pull of the stage. I had to get amongst it!

The thing that had me stumped was his voice. On the albums his vocals are neat and quite unique - but tonight I realised just how insane his voice is. He never lost pitch.. he reached higher than I can.. he fully belted out massive notes that lasted full and strong beyond what I ever would have imagined was authentic on the album. It amazed me. He never struggled.. it sounded so natural and powerful. Insane. I am muchos imprezzos!

Oh and as for the multilayering on the album.. I always thought there was only one singer and perhaps a bv volcalist.. but no.. there is the lead singer, and then the guitarist sings all the other backing.. so in a live set it sounded flippin amazing! They were tight, entertaining, and had an awesome selection of songs. I was a bit taken back that they started the set with the first two songs off their latest album - played almost exactly the same - and I thought we might have another eskimo joe gig on our hands, where u could pretty much shut your eyes and be listening to the album... I like gigs where they mix it up and shock u a bit! Anyway.. the order of their tracks was brillo and you should have seen the way the crowd reacted when they played 'wayside'.. man alive.. that song rocked the venue. I loved it.

So all in all.. I was expecting big things from this gig.. and I got so much more than that. It was rad. Oh and I got the chance to have a chat with some of the guys involved in the band (not the band members, just roadies etc) and that was awsome. I was chatting with the dude at the merch stand and asking him if their album art is by Shaun Tan because it looks so much like his work.. he didn't know but was then keen to find out as well so he said he would sus it out.. I never found out the answer to my question, but did learn a lot of other business. Fun times. I like gigs.. cool people, great tunes, and always a bit of head bopping and bustin of the groovy beats.

So.. it is day 5 of Mayhem Madness and I am still alive and kicking. I am living off an average of 3 hrs sleep a night now, and am still working and doing uni. I got home at 3am this morning, did my washing, went to bed and was up by 6am getting ready for uni.. went to uni - pumped out an assignment with the Jimmy, then jumped in the car and drove to work.. got home, got changed, went to Birds.. it really is MADNESS! Only 2 more nights of it and then Im going to become a nana and stay indoors for a bit! - Although I am really enjoying it.. it has been great getting out on the social scene a bit more.

Anyway, it is bed time now. I will get a bit of a sleep in tomorrow so that shall be wonderful. If you have managed to read this far through this post I congratulate you.. leave a comment so I know who the committed ones are! You might even win a lollie or something fun like that.

Night Homies,
Chill.
xx

Manipulation

Stand here for a while -
See it from my eyes.
Now stand in the position you have put him in -
See it from his eyes.

She wants to feel love
More love - a different love - than the one he is giving.
He cares for your spirit - you want him to care for your heart.

This is it.

Just in case someone else slips up first,
I thought you better know - so I will break it to you.
Now Im the one who slipped up first.
Look at the position you have put me in.

Intriguing

I find you quite intriguing
You find me different and fun
We both enjoy this time together
Let’s see what it can become

I find you very appealing
You beckon to know me more
We are getting closer now
Closer than before

I find you upbeat and talented
You find me aspiring to be
No wonder we get along so well
Life is nice - just you and me

We find each other every day
We find this love thing is OK
Getting nearer, more dependent
Not the relationship He intended

We find time flies with no delay
We have found distraction in this way
You like me as much as I need you
A little too much some might say

If I find you to be distant
I find myself feeling distressed
I’m beginning to rely on you
And this is making me depressed

We are all mixed up –
What went wrong?
Heading in the wrong direction -
I knew this all along

Mayhem Madness

Sunday night marked the beginning of a week long journey called Mayhem Madness. This week involves 3 gals spending their evenings touring the pubs of Launceston to finally decide after 4 yrs of the uni life, which pub is the place to be. Which pub suits our needs?

We have been visiting a few venues each night.. and are hoping to cover the whole of Launceston in the 7 nights. We already cancelled out quite a few places due to their seedy nature and reputation for nasty nightlife. So we have narrowed it down quite a bit.

Last night we made a discovery.. first we went to the casino and that was depressing. So we got out of there and headed back into town to a pub called the Hub. It was amazing.

In there I saw uni lecturers, local artists, theatre dudes, and heaps of musos! It was awesome. Zoe and I got talking to the dude who was playing guitar and he said we could have a jam there with them next saturday night, so that shall be brill. They were really chilled and fun. A drummer dude was playing along with the guitar using a rubbish bin and some pots and pans from the kitchen.. haha it was great stuff.

Also met some very interesting people. A guy whose name is Baraka. AMAZING! I was stunned at his name. Its my favourite movie, and I must say.. it is also my favourite word. It means so many different things in different languages, but all with a common theme of 'blessing'.. love it. So that was sweet.

Right now I am feeling very tired and pretty sore from all this dancing rubbish that we manage to whip out. Actually.. I will also add that my favourite part of Mayhem Madness so far is the journey between pubs.. we drive our way around and the driver chooses a random spot to pull over and we all have to jump out of the car and shake our groove thing with the stereo up.. it is hilarious. Highlight for me would be K-mart car park. Man we sound like rebels.. but no.. its all in good fun and we love it. Its our way of celebrating the last few weeks of uni together.. its all coming to an end.

So there is your update. Apart from that.. still working on the plans for december for those of u who knowsies whats happening.. and for those who dont - just be excited for me until I can tell you and then you will be even more excited I hope!

Peace out fools. Stay safe and keep off the streets ya'll.

Am i normal?

there is a glimpse of you in everything I do

ever find yourself doing things that are so attachted to someone or something? I have recently been finding myself saying and doing things that one of my friends says and does.. and its not bad.. i like myself better when i am more like them.. because they inspire me by the way they live.. but is it weird?

Even in personal decisions and stuff.. i am thinking about what they would do.. how would they handle this situation? I wonder if they know just how much i look upto them. Strange.. i have caught myself out on this one.. because I didnt even realise I was doing it.

hmm..

About A Boy

Hey.

Hey.

Whats happening?

Ah.. you know.. nothin.

Cool.

What about you?

Nothin.

Cool.

Yeah. So...

.... want some corn?

Corn?

Its delicious

Oh..

Want some?

Yes please.

décidélaisse

Lève toi c'est décidélaisse moi te remplacerje vais prendre ta douleur..

France... now there's a thought!

Not somewhere I have ever really wanted to go.. but somewhere I am now considering. I am more interested in Scandinavia and Eastern Europe now.

Decisions decisions.. décidélaisse décidélaisse..

metaphysical

you kept me in suspense.
i pretend it bothers me
but keep it cool..
no worries!

i appreciate the opportunity you are giving me to embrace the unknown - again

because if you haven't said it..
you might not mean it.
its easier that way.

Smile and wave.

.. he says this, I say that.. then we both say..
imaginary words - are beautiful

Because if you don't say it..
I still know you mean it.
Its easier that way.

lovers music and such

...i started thinking... and a list began to form... and this is the result.


Muse
Bloc Party
Mystery Jets
Adele
Ting Tings
Robbie Williams
The Streets
The Beatles
Corinne Bailey Rae
Neg
The Wombats
Coldplay
Black Books
Balls of Steel
Take That
IT Crowd
The Mighty Boosh
Garth Maringi's Darkplace

...just a few things I love that have come out of the U.K.. and im sure the list will go on and on...

So anyway..

So I thought I better write a quick update..

I am back in Launceston at the moment. I have 2 and a bit weeks left of uni classes.. but they seem to be a giant waste of time at the moment. We are pretty much at uni 4 hours a week just turning up and signing our names off in each class. Not learning anything interesting.

Tonight I will punch out my second last assignment, and it will feel GREAT!

Things are a bit up in the air for me right now.. i guess..

I am not sure if I should stay in Launceston for these next few weeks or move back to the bay.. i like burnie.. but my job is in launceston.. and I need money because after ive finished uni I have some big plans that require money money money.

I really dont like money.

So anyway.. things are exciting.. I did find it really scary until someone wise said to me 'yeah but it can be exciting too!'.. and then i decided to channel my fears into excitement.. and now I am a bit of both.. but thats ok :)

So for now, I am in Launceston. Will be coming back to Burnie for a quick visit at some stage, but apart from that I will just rely on the power of the telephone.

Näkemiin! - which is Finnish for Goodbye.

Miss Baxter

Well.. yesterday I finished my internship.

The last time I will ever be considered a 'student teacher'..

crazy!

I loved my day yesterday..
I was sent to work in the early childhood class with a young girl who needs a lot of support. So I was sitting with her talking about the shapes and colours in my necklace and I was wishing I was back in my class spending the last day with my kids.

but little did i know.. they were planning something special.

when i walked back in my classroom i got a standing ovation and a round of applause from my kids.. they had set up the room for a party and were all standing around a big seat they had prepared for me.. i felt like a queen! They put streamers all over me and clapped and cheered for what seemed an eternity! The tears were flowing all round!

Then a few of the kids gave speeches about their experiences with me.. all the staff were there watching and there were a few tears! It was beautiful.. but the thing that really got me going.. is when they all stood up again and sang a song for me. They stood singing 'time of your life' by green day from beginning to end. It was BEAUTIFUL!

It was so lovely.

I love my kids. I will miss them so so so much.


I have a million home made gifts and second hand pressies that they gave me... very cute. They made me a big banner and presented me with a bunch of flowers.. these kids are awesome. I didn't expect anything like this!

So.. in closing.. I LOVE those kids.. I will miss them all very much. Can't wait to visit them next term sometime.

I am so thankful for such an amazing internship. It makes my bad experiences with prac last year almost seem worth it.. in fact.. I would do it all again because now I know why I had to go through that. There is always a plan even if it seems to be a mess.

I think my life is like an abstract work of art - messy and confusing, but beautiful in its own right.

Pimped My Ride

Today was swell.

I went to the Bushy's house after school so he could have another crack at putting in the CD player that he and the other lads bought for my car. I am so lucky. Those fellas are the bomb.com! And we got it going!

We christened the new CD player with a dose of Muse.. ahhh... magical!

I had the best drive home ever.. cranked up some Birds of Tokyo and was lovin' it!

Thanks boys.. you have made me smile for a long time to come!
:-)

Jammin with the Sovereign

Silence absorbs me

A potent hush

Untamed expressions consume my face as I indulge in every inch of your melody

Your cadence rips at my core

The very essence of renewal

Desperate to jam with the sovereign of song

Alas, I choose to hide behind timidity

Sing to me a new song

Engage me in your waves of sound

So that I may alter my insecurities

and choose to eradicate

my suppression of song

Baraka

Fryktinngytende! which is Norwegian for.. AWESOME!

I am quite excited..

I just read that my favourite film is going to have a sequel release next year.

Normally i get a bit worried about sequels.. but this one will be a killer.

The film is called Baraka.. which means 'blessing' in a massive amount of languages. The film has no dialogue, just pictures, music, and scenes from all over the world. I love it. It is an amazing film and I am really looking forward to the sequel release 'Samsara'.

If you haven't had the chance to watch Baraka, I highly recommend you do!
:-)

Living With a Black Dog

Last night I was reading Matthew 1 & 2. I decided to underline each time God spoke to someone through a dream.. I was amazed at just how much He did this.. almost every time someone received a prophesy or warning from God it was through a dream. I have heard before that the most common form of communication from God in the bible is through dreams.

I have always been a dreamer and have learnt a lot about myself through my dreams.. and I sometimes surprise myself with the 'wisdom' that I seem to have when Im dreaming..

This morning I woke up preaching to myself.. it was such a strange thing. I remember the words clearly. I wondered if I was just saying to myself what I knew was 'right'.. but then I realised that the words I was hearing were new to me, a new outlook on the situation, and not one that I think I could have come up with myself. Interesting...

I dreamt about a book I read a long time ago when I was struggling to relate to a girl I know who has depression. I got to the point where I had no idea what to do because I had never experienced depression at that stage and I had no clue what she was going through. I read this book called 'living with a black dog'.. it is a fantastic picture book that gives the reader some insight into living with depression.

Anyway, I was dreaming about this book, and then a dude came in the room dressed in a strange coloured jacket. Everyone looked at him thinking 'what the heck is he wearing? why would he choose to dress in those colours?'... I still cant quite describe the colour.. it was pretty strange.. yellow but green but pink.. and a bit blue as well. strange... but beautiful.

Anyway.. this dude was wearing his jacket with pride.. and he looked strange, but he also looked like the most confident dude in the room. He got up in my face and said 'It is time to change your colour. It is time to paint a new picture. It is time to experiment with the pallet and mix up your own, your very own colour. A colour that doesn't define you, but separates you. Your colour has faded. It is your time now... to show that black dog just how colourful your clothing is.. your faith is not plain and faded, but your colour is.. why? your faith is vibrant and individual to you... my faith wont work for you, my colour wont work for you, you have your own spirit and you also have your own colour.."

My feelings about this dream probably sum up what it means to me.. basically, I have issues wearing colours.. because it draws attention to me.. it makes me more noticeable.. but if I just wear black or grey I can kind of blend in.. and lately I have been thinking about my faith and how 'visible' it is in my life. If people think I am hardcore for Jesus will they shut me out in fear of me being one of the annoying stereotypical christians? Faith can be like clothing I guess.. we can wear our faith so bright and colourful that everyone knows about it, or we can blend in to the crowd and no one really knows the difference. I am a victim of blending. I don't think it is a bad thing.. because it is a fact that people are generally scared of talking to people who have their faith on display.. generally speaking.. but... I also want my friends to know that I have my faith, so they might begin to drop their stereotypical view of Christianity. Hmm.. I think I might be blabbing on to try and get my point across, hopefully you get what I'm saying here.

So in my dream.. there was a room full of christians, all wearing their colours that were 'suitable' to the culture.. they all fit in.. except for the dude with the strange jacket.. he stood out.. he didnt fit in.. people were interested in his life, in his colour... It was an intriguing colour.. it made him stand out.. but not in a bad way.. it is so hard to explain the feeling I felt when he walked in the room.. it was beautiful, it was a relief, he was amazing. It was almost inspiring seeing him in his colour.. and then he went on to tell me that his colour was his faith.. wow...

I don't think I need to conclude.. you can take from this what you like..

I am inspired..

Once Was Lost...

But now it is found!

So after a long night of searching through every crevice of our house I decided to check my car for my missing journal. I had already cleaned out my car the day before and had a look for it but couldn't find it anywhere. I got a bag out of my car that had stuff in it from months ago and I thought that there is no way it could be in there.. but, there it was.. right down the bottom of the bag underneath the plastic insert in the bottom of the bag.. relief!

It is crazy just how much I missed having my journal.. It almost felt as though I had lost a best mate! Weird.. but I guess that's just me.

Last night I went to see Anti rock it out one last time. I was a bit disappointed at their show really.. poor mix and lighting didn't help.. it was out of sync and had these bright blue lights that kept blaring in my eyes so I couldn't see what was going on. Hmm... but it was good to see them rockin it.

I would have to say... that I was more disappointed with the sermon and praise section of the night.. I don't want to seem negative about this but it is something that I have been thinking about a lot since last night and I am really quite disappointed. I haven't been to a big youth rally since I was younger.. back then I didn't dig it. And nothing has changed. I feel sad for the young dudes who are there hearing a message about depression and self harm and binge drinking and drugs etc.. and then a guy says "I've got Jesus now. He is the answer... now here is an opportunity for you to receive Jesus in your heart too.. put up your hands, come up the front.." ... you know how it goes.

Yes He is the answer... and yes it is important to give these dudes the opportunity to ask Him into their lives.. but I just don't think they know the decision they are making.. It seems to be an emotionally driven decision a lot of the time, with no real understanding of salvation in its entirety. It is such a vulnerable and emotional time for these dudes, and I only hope and pray that they aren't left to wonder what to do next.. but they are discipled and guided by people around them.. I really hope last night wasn't just another night in history for these dudes, but that it can be a starting point of something amazing... I really really encourage you to talk to these young dudes if you know one of them who put up their hand.. because it doesn't end there.. its not a matter of "awesome they are saved welcome to the church brother..." it is so much more than that...

... End of blab.

Lost My Journal

I have been really uneasy this week because I have managed to lose my journal notebooky thingy. It is just your average notebook, with EVERYTHING in it!

I write my thoughts down all the time.. get them on paper so I can look back at them down the track. I have managed to misplace it.. somewhere.

I am annoyed because I love writing. There is a lot that I write about that I wouldn't chuck on this blog, purely because it isn't interesting to anyone else but me.. and it is probably a bit too personal!

So i hope i find it soon.. preferably tonight.. it has been missing for over a week which is no fun.

hmmmmph! sook!

Our Accidental Place

We met accidentally in an accidental place.
We knew straight away we were just like each other.
We knew without a doubt we would need each other at a stage in our lives.
Now all our mutual friends have shifted and we are left.
And it is only now, years later that we are both appreciating our random introduction to each other.
We are still just like each other.
We still know without a doubt we need each other at different stages of the day.
And now all our other friends have gone, we have a mutual bond.

Tonight we spoke about our past. We touched on our future. But we both decided that fate is fickle, but destiny is amazing.

I cherish my friendship with this person, and I am so thankful we met all those years ago.

That is all. Arrivederci!

Falling in Love With the 80's

Like my new style?


Im diggin' it.

Perms are BACK YA'LL!

SHIZZAM!

Indicative

one more time

just
one
more
time

I will never grow old from this

we will tell them it’s “just not kosher”
all the while loving their suggestive looks and giggles

they’re indicative

we will laugh about how ‘inappropriate’ it is
but revel in the mystery of it all

let our dreams surpass reality for a bit
until we realise we have enough just now

just us

little feet tiptoeing with anticipation inside me
i know you are feeling them too

i will never grow old from this

xxx

Mad Skills

This week at school has been very exciting!

On Monday we had a student free day which meant I got to go to Acton Primary for a maths Professional Development day. It was pretty rad. I learnt quite a bit.. and it reinforced everything we have been learning at uni so that was helpful.

Tuesday - Jason came in for the day to teach my kids some quality music skills. They LOVED it. It was definitely a day they will remember. The staff loved having a new visitor to the school and conversations are still being had in the staff room about the Bachelor of the Year appearing at our school.. They recognised him from the newspaper straight away.. poor guy.

Wednesday - The staff and students were buzzing with excitement about the science day were hosting today (Thursday). Everyone was getting stuck in to helping out and the kids got to muck around with heaps of gear and have a sneak peek at the science equipment they get to use at the science expo!

Thursday - today is science day and the kids are DIGGIN it! We went down to the wetlands this morning to catch bugs and test the water. I am playing office lady right now because in a small school you have to work with change, and today they needed an office lady! All my kids are out playing with the science gear so I'm happy they are having a good time.

Friday - well hopefully tomorrow we will be back in the classroom!

I love this school. I love these kids. I love this career.

an argument that got me thinking

Why do people automatically resume the position of a travel agent for guilt trips whenever they want to win an argument?

If there is one thing that annoys me the most is when people lay out guilt trips freely and constantly.

There are mature ways of talking through things that don't result in people getting hurt. There are respectful ways of negotiating with people without oppressing their own values. There are much more appropriate ways of conveying your opinions without insulting and using hurtful words that can't be reclaimed after they have been said.

I am honest in my opinions when I'm asked... and I always try to make sure people know where I stand.. but in no way do I ever want to be that person who guilts others into agreeing with me.

Give me grace to forgive.
Equip me with the words and wisdom to know how to respond.
Help me to stop thinking negatively and start acting positively.
I am done with these selfish arguments that only suppress any goodness.
Let it go, Grace and Peace.
Amen

Assume the Contrary

Relinquish that look in your eyes!

Let’s pretend neither of us have an inkling

We could just assume the contrary of what we know is true

We could perplex each other beyond the bounds of our denunciation

At what end will the swathe be lifted and the veracity revealed?

Surrender that look in your eyes!

Can we pretend no one else has a clue?

We could let their assumptions linger…

Until we are ready to expose the words we seldom speak.

That look in your eyes…

I need to look away.

So I can start looking at me

So I can stop looking to them

And only when I stop looking to them will you glimpse what I perceive in you.

i like both

My name is Corrie..

that is right. Corrie.

Sometimes I forget that it is my name... if it was someone else's name I would probably think it is pretty. I have been told by a select few that they think my name is nice..

names are strange.

I was called 'Coz' by so many people for a very long time.. and now I am getting used to being called Corrie again.. and I think I am liking it.

It is a bit different though.. I am not used to being called Corrie.. its a bit foreign to me. which is even more strange.. it is my name for goodness sake!

anyway.. just thinkin bout it.. I like being called Corrie.. I also like being called Coz.. and I think that is a good place to be :-)

So for all you rockers who wonder what name to call me... you make the choice.. I dont mind anymore.. i like both.

xxx

Misconception

my brother is sitting next to me.

he just pointed out that the title of my blog could be a little misleading...

i asked him what he thought of my latest post and he asked if it had anything to do with babies... no it doesn't... where did he get that idea from?... and he said the word 'misconception'. haha oops.

So just to clear up any confusion.. this blog is nothing to do with babies.. not that babies aren't cool.. they just aren't my scene right now ya'll!

Palpable

Keep it up.

Don’t let it slip, don’t let it slide.

He won’t ever know just how sham you can be.

Keep dropping his name like all and sundry wants to hear it,

Let it slip out at casual points in time,

When she happens to be in room.

Never admit it,

This secret can’t be disclosed.

But be certain you make it

blatantly

palpable.

Let that loop… just let it hang in the moment.

I wouldn’t mind telling you that I know,

Just so you know

That everyone else knows.

But I don’t want to blemish your denial.

The Secret - Ask the Universe

Tonight I have a lot of things I would like to write about. The last 24hrs have opened my eyes to a lot of things, and I dont like the reality of most of these things.

Last night I was talking to my family, just crappin on about nothing in the lounge room.. doin our thing.. just chatting.. and one of my family members mentioned the new rad religion called 'the secret' and how she fully believes in it and has got all these dreams and goals that she 'knows' will come true because she has been applying all the rules of the secret.. the basic overview of this craze is that anyone can have anything they want.. all you have to do is ask the universe for it and truly seek it and it will come to you. It basically sees the universe as a god that gives out whatever you want.. if you ask for it.

Now.. I have never been against the power of positive thoughts.. but... BUT... 'the secret' seems to promote selfishness. Everyone that I have spoken with about it seems to ask the universe for money or things that are of dollar value. No one so far has mentioned that they are asking for justice or compassion or freedom or love or rescue. No one. I am sure there are people out there in the world who are... but.. I have talked with a few people on this topic and all of them have visions of winning the lottery and scoring a new car etc.

This makes me sick.
It is promoting exactly what the world is promoting..

"you need more.. buy this.. you need it... you can have better than they have.. what you have isnt good enough... if you had more money you would be a bigger and better person".

So, in discussion with my family I said "I find 'the secret' to be really selfish and Im sure its not the answer to the spiritual hunger each person has within them.. how can asking for money make us anymore satisfied if it is mainly money that drives us to want more satisfaction in the first place?"

Well...

Lets...just...say...

That didnt go down well. I have really offended her and now she thinks that I think she is selfish... its been taken out of context. I feel terrible because I didnt mean to offend her but at the same time I wonder if offending people isnt always the worst thing... which leads me to my next train of thought.

When I get offended it is usually because someone has pointed out something that I dont really like about myself.. and it is not so much offensive.. it is more the fact that they have caught me out on something I didnt want to admit.. I was happy living in the land of denial until someone decided to point it out and then I become offended.. strange.. I have never pondered exactly what would cause the feeling of offence.. or even what that feeling actually is.. is it anger? sadness? Hmm... for me it is a physical reaction.. I feel tight in my chest and my head starts to heat up and my forehead tingles.. is that normal?

And.. when I get offended I usually feel SO uncomfortable to the point where I do something about that thing that i dont like about myself.. It might not be my most favourite process to go through.. but when im through it im usually thankful for the person pointing it out.. after all, i only got offended because i didnt like it about myself.. hmm so back to my family situation.. have I done her a favour in the long run? Only if she is convicted about it i guess.. and if she chooses to make a change.. but i cant do that for her.. and I cant convict her heart.. I guess I will just hope that she can see what I was meaning.. maybe i will ask the universe. pffft!

Hey i really dont know if I am a bit too presumptious with my views on this, so make sure you holler back if you disagree or agree or whatever.. Its something I am getting more and more interested in.. and would be keen to hear your opinions on it.

I could write all night.. but i wont..

dot dot dot

I love... teaching.



I really love... music.



I really really love... people.



I decided today that the thing I love most about teaching is the relationships I get to build with people. The kids, the teachers, the parents. I love that I get to see the kids developing in different ways every day.. its great.

I think I would like to be a youth workery person.. perhaps.. but.. i wonder if there is such a job as just being mates with people.. that would be a rad job... someone should create a job like that so I can do it.


... I also like fullstops

Three to Six

I am so fortunate to be doing my internship in a tiny school with only 2 classrooms. It means I have students in grades 3/4/5/6 in my class of 25 kids. It is amazing.. amazing. I am learning so much. Today my supervisor came to visit and check that everything was going well. I started the day in tears because somehow through the stress i managed to leave my planning folder in Natone last night so I couldn't find it... If I didnt have my folder to show my supervisor it is very likely that I would fail.. Luckily, I found my folder before the start of school but was in such a horrible frame of mind to start the day. I was stressin to the max!

I couldn't have asked the kids to be anymore amazing today.. it is like they realised I needed them to be awesome so my supervisor would believe I can be a good teacher haha. They were so well behaved and from out of nowhere I found this new side of myself. My lessons ran amazingly today and the supervisor was very very impressed. She told me that I am made for teaching and that I have absolutely nothing to worry about. Agh... that is such a relief to hear after studying for four long years!! So all in all.. an amazing day, and an amazing internship. I have 2 weeks left after this week and I am not looking forward to the end of it. I really cant wait to get my own class crankin and working full time... BUT... like always.. if there is another plan for my life I welcome it with open arms.. so for now i am LOVING teaching.. but tomorrow I might be doing something I never dreamed of. Bring it on.

So last night I went for a walk with my sister because my bro was too tired. I reckon I said about 5 words in the whole hour we were walking.. she was talking flat chat. I forgot what it is like to be in high school. Half of the stuff she was telling me made me cringe at how horrible people can be.. but then I just got sad because I realised how much my sister has no idea about the 'realness' of some of the stuff that is going on. She has no idea of the impact her words might be having on some of the people at her school.. she thinks it is her 'right' to say things that arent so nice to people if they have said/done those things to her.. since when does anyone have the right to do that? It just surprised me big time. I know it is just a matter of growing up and realising these things in time, but my heart is crying out for her to see these situation from a higher perspective. I know she has a heart of gold.. but her thoughts do not allow that 'heart' to shine through.. which made me think more deeply about a sermon I heard the other night. This dude from the Congo, Pastor Samuel preached an amazing sermon.. I need to listen to it again. One part that spoke directly to me was about how our thoughts impact our emotions.. if we think of something in a certain way we will reacted emotionally according to our thoughts... hard to explain.. but.. i realised that my sister needs to change the way she thinks about these situations and the people involved before she can change the way she feels about them. These words just arent saying what I want them to say.. I cant quite explain what im meaning.. which is something I have always struggled with.. Im working on it though.

Anyway, today has been a good day.. and the week leading up has been pretty good too. I had a great weekend, talking a lot with friends and feeling connected to people who are seeking more than the expected in life. It is always inspiring. I am so inspired by a few of the people I have been hanging with lately actually.. I dont know if they will ever realise just how much they have influenced my walk.. and I wonder if I will ever realised just how much they have. They are amazing and I have mucho's love for them!

Things I am thankful for:
- dad is healing really really well and is going to get the metal bars removed tomorrow
- the awesome kids i have in my class.. they are 'the bomb.com'
- congo dude
- the special relationships im developing
- mates who never say 'no' to helping out where they can..

Coz xx