You know, its strange. In the past few weeks ALL i have been able to think about is how true God's love is.. I have felt overwhelmed by His presence in my life recently, and it has been quite the journey. I sound so cliche saying this - but as someone once pointed out to me - some things just are cliche, because they are... and that's the way it is (I really need to get over the whole issue of sounding cliche - but in this case I just feel like my words aren't justifying what I mean).
So anyway, if you have been a reader of my blog for some time now you will know I have had quite an emotional (would prefer a different word, but I guess thats what it is) journey over the last few years (not that I have written much about it).
I caught up with a friend tonight and we got talking about deep stuff, and I was suddenly reminded of how much I have grown in this last year. It was about June last year that I had my last depressive episode, and it was probably the worst one out of the lot. I'm not denying that I have had my bad days since then, but I know the difference between a bad time and depression. So - anyway, my friend kept talking and it was all fine and dandy, he went on for about 2 hours as per usual and I listened and thought and didn't really say much as per usual..but during this time I felt God reminding me of those dark times I've been through and really pulling at my heart, telling me I was stronger now and that those days have brought me to these days.
When we finished our drink and chat we got up, had a cuddle, and said our goodbyes. Straight away my phone rang. I looked at it and saw that it was someone I wasn't too keen on talking to so I ignored it. They called back. I felt bad and answered it, and much to my disappointment they had called to remind me of something I wasn't too keen on being reminded about! It didn't take me any longer than 3 seconds to feel that horrible sinking feeling - the one that makes me lose any real sense of being reasonable and sends me into a bit of a stress. One thing I can't stand about myself is that when I know I have let someone down I beat myself up about it big time and that sends me into a stress and stress shows itself in the form of anger (yes, it took me a while to work this out)... and then it doesn't take long for the anger to turn on itself and I begin to feel hatred towards myself and as you can imagine this is not a good process.
So.. why am I sharing this on a public blog? Well... yes, I am slightly crazy but the real reason I guess is because my biggest problem is being ashamed of feeling like this, and thinking that I'm not normal for feeling like this, and so I hold it in and then it overloads and I go into a shutdown and before I know it I don't even know I'm in too deep.
The poem I posted before this (which I actually have decided I don't like, but will leave there for sake of well, nothing) is a bit of a reflection about where I see God in all this. I have been so close and personal with God recently, and I know He has been preparing me for...something.. not sure what.. but something. This is the point I seem to have reached in my whole journey of faith so far. I get to the fired up and madly in love with God and seeking His kingdom every minute of the day and talking to Him constantly.. and then something comes along that turns me against myself and I lose all sight of the kingdom, and I lose myself to the ugly feelings. I am determined not to let this happen this time. I know I am going to regret posting this because it reveals a little bit too much about me - but now is not the time for hiding.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
forecast: gloomy.
I see a pattern emerging
He is consistent, yet unpredictable.
He loves loves loves - till I overflow
This trend is becoming typical.
My mind cannot comprehend
That part of me has a will of its own.
It beckons for more
Feeding - preparing for the unknown.
In the moment I am fueled
Anticipating fire
I tease the flame -
- a dangerous game
Begging to be ignited.
I always know it is His way of forecast
He tells me in His own cryptic style.
My heart hears His words - my head refuses to listen
I should have learnt by now, but this could take a while.
He is consistent, yet unpredictable.
He loves loves loves - till I overflow
This trend is becoming typical.
My mind cannot comprehend
That part of me has a will of its own.
It beckons for more
Feeding - preparing for the unknown.
In the moment I am fueled
Anticipating fire
I tease the flame -
- a dangerous game
Begging to be ignited.
I always know it is His way of forecast
He tells me in His own cryptic style.
My heart hears His words - my head refuses to listen
I should have learnt by now, but this could take a while.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
widower
departure of the cruelest kind
a lingering affliction
impending sorrow
he aches for her misfortune
wanting to ease her discomfort
with the touch of his sturdy hand to hers - frail.
emptiness
there she lies, depleted.
the wrinkles across her eyelids tell the stories of her years
thin, fragile, worn and tired
clay - the vessel for her soul
all
that
is
left
he weeps for her tragedy
how she deserved to live it full
overwhelmed by anguish and confusion
why her?
he turns to god in skepticism
how he could bare to see her ill?
he let her die a heinous death
did he filter out our prayers?
his eyes are dry
but his spirit is drenched
weeping for you, his child
let him fill you, recharge, you have a battle to fight
but may you know she rests well
and with god, you need not be polite.
a lingering affliction
impending sorrow
he aches for her misfortune
wanting to ease her discomfort
with the touch of his sturdy hand to hers - frail.
emptiness
there she lies, depleted.
the wrinkles across her eyelids tell the stories of her years
thin, fragile, worn and tired
clay - the vessel for her soul
all
that
is
left
he weeps for her tragedy
how she deserved to live it full
overwhelmed by anguish and confusion
why her?
he turns to god in skepticism
how he could bare to see her ill?
he let her die a heinous death
did he filter out our prayers?
his eyes are dry
but his spirit is drenched
weeping for you, his child
let him fill you, recharge, you have a battle to fight
but may you know she rests well
and with god, you need not be polite.
Monday, April 27, 2009
...
to live that life
what it must be like
to learn to love
but not too close
to know the only ones who wont
are the ones who have
what it must be like
to learn to love
but not too close
to know the only ones who wont
are the ones who have
another rant
I am just amazed at the ways God has chosen to protect me throughout my life. One of the ways I honestly believe he has protected me is by making me cynical.
This weekend I was on a leadership training camp thingy and I'm pretty sure I spoke up a bit too much and perhaps offended people who live in a smug little world of their own. I'm SURE these people don't actually believe what they are regurgitating, but are just so used to saying what pleases others and are stuck in that cycle of spewing out words that they have said a million times before just because they sound right... I'm positive these guys haven't actually thought about it - if they have I am quite sad.
I'm talking about young people who are trying so damn hard to fit in with what is the 'right' thing to do...and then older people not wanting to face facts that these young dudes are just copying what they do.. instead of having a conviction and actually believing what they are saying. I think I stepped on a few toes when I shoved a bit of reality into their thoughts this weekend.
At one point all of the senior leaders got together (about 10 of us) and we were chatting about what steps to take as far as programming and such. **I should mention - this is a leadership training camp that trains youth as cabin leaders on a christian camp for kids**. So we got talking, and a few people mentioned that 'devotion time' was good at night time for girls because it calmed them down and made them sleepy...and the boys said that it just didn't work at night for the guys because it almost had the opposite effect, with boys wanting to stay up late all night chatting. This began to frustrate me. The girls were crapping on about how effective it is blah blah blah and all I could think about was how INEFFECTIVE it was! Reality check - is the purpose of devotion time to 'calm them down so they get all sleepy and go to bed'?? And isn't it a good thing that the boys want to chat lots about it?
I probably got a bit carried away when I voiced my opinion - but seriously.. I think the idea of devotion time is crap if it isn't reflected over the entire course of the camp anyway. We shouldn't sit down in a group and flick a switch in us that says 'now we are going to be spiritual and holy and such'.. ugh. So I had my rant and they all looked at me like stunned mullets.
I don't do camps much these days - well.. sort of.. I go there as support staff to encourage leaders but that's about it. I used to have such a passion for camps (the kids) - but now I am finding myself passionate about the older ones.. the teens.. who are leading the kids.
Its funny - I did a workshop at this leadership training. As I was preparing for the workshop I really felt like I had nothing to offer - until I got up there and started going for it and all of a sudden I felt passion and I was literally saying things I had never considered before and the lights were coming on in the eyes of these youth. I just think its cool to feel passion.
I'm one of those people who is pretty self directed and does something if I feel its right - but as for passion, I have lacked in that department, and anyone close to me would know that when I'm asked what my passions are I get totally stumped and can't actually name any. I now have two. One is this young people kinda thing and the other is something I will share with you at another point in time :-)
This weekend I was on a leadership training camp thingy and I'm pretty sure I spoke up a bit too much and perhaps offended people who live in a smug little world of their own. I'm SURE these people don't actually believe what they are regurgitating, but are just so used to saying what pleases others and are stuck in that cycle of spewing out words that they have said a million times before just because they sound right... I'm positive these guys haven't actually thought about it - if they have I am quite sad.
I'm talking about young people who are trying so damn hard to fit in with what is the 'right' thing to do...and then older people not wanting to face facts that these young dudes are just copying what they do.. instead of having a conviction and actually believing what they are saying. I think I stepped on a few toes when I shoved a bit of reality into their thoughts this weekend.
At one point all of the senior leaders got together (about 10 of us) and we were chatting about what steps to take as far as programming and such. **I should mention - this is a leadership training camp that trains youth as cabin leaders on a christian camp for kids**. So we got talking, and a few people mentioned that 'devotion time' was good at night time for girls because it calmed them down and made them sleepy...and the boys said that it just didn't work at night for the guys because it almost had the opposite effect, with boys wanting to stay up late all night chatting. This began to frustrate me. The girls were crapping on about how effective it is blah blah blah and all I could think about was how INEFFECTIVE it was! Reality check - is the purpose of devotion time to 'calm them down so they get all sleepy and go to bed'?? And isn't it a good thing that the boys want to chat lots about it?
I probably got a bit carried away when I voiced my opinion - but seriously.. I think the idea of devotion time is crap if it isn't reflected over the entire course of the camp anyway. We shouldn't sit down in a group and flick a switch in us that says 'now we are going to be spiritual and holy and such'.. ugh. So I had my rant and they all looked at me like stunned mullets.
I don't do camps much these days - well.. sort of.. I go there as support staff to encourage leaders but that's about it. I used to have such a passion for camps (the kids) - but now I am finding myself passionate about the older ones.. the teens.. who are leading the kids.
Its funny - I did a workshop at this leadership training. As I was preparing for the workshop I really felt like I had nothing to offer - until I got up there and started going for it and all of a sudden I felt passion and I was literally saying things I had never considered before and the lights were coming on in the eyes of these youth. I just think its cool to feel passion.
I'm one of those people who is pretty self directed and does something if I feel its right - but as for passion, I have lacked in that department, and anyone close to me would know that when I'm asked what my passions are I get totally stumped and can't actually name any. I now have two. One is this young people kinda thing and the other is something I will share with you at another point in time :-)
Saturday, April 25, 2009
bouncy bouncy
I would like to bounce some ideas off you so please let me know what you think!
Matthew 5:38
You have heard that it was said 'eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.' but I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on your right cheek, turn to him the other also.
I just got thinking about this. This verse is often used as a 'don't get angry.. Show the love of Christ' kinda thing. And I thought... Does god really want us to just keep getting slapped around or what? Then I thought about it logically... Why the direct reference to the right cheek? Let's think about it.. Most people are dominant in their right hand.. So going by the assumption that people would hit with their dominant hand it would be a reasonable assumption to say that the bible is referring to someone hitting you on your right cheek with their right hand..which would be a backhanded slap (which is an act of disrespect) Because it's pretty hard to punch someone on their right cheek with your right hand. You with me?
So.. Assuming this is all ok so far.. I'm going to suggest that what this verse could really be saying is that if we get slapped (maybe not just physically, but metaphorically) that we should not take that disrespect, but to turn our other cheek so that it then becomes an even battle so to speak, instead of a master slapping a servant kinda thing. When you turn your left cheek they cant slap you anymore - they have to punch you if they want to hit you. When you turn the other cheek, suddenly you are on even standing... Instead of being the one disrespected.
I'm struggling to think of a better way to explain it, but it's like when you turn that cheek you are saying "hit me like I'm worth hitting.. Not just like I'm a piece of slavery that means nothing to you.. Hit me like a man."
"do not resist an evil person"... Sometimes I think this part of the verse gets overlooked. Don't resist it... Turn that cheek and take them on.
I'm not sure..I just think there is a reason for the detail in the scripture.. And it is worth thinking about.
I have no idea how valid any of my thinking is on this.. And I'm not 100% convinced I'm right or anything.. I never am! It's always good to explore things and bounce ideas.
The verse continues and I have a few more theories that follow on from this.. But I will start with this!
Corrie
Matthew 5:38
You have heard that it was said 'eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.' but I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on your right cheek, turn to him the other also.
I just got thinking about this. This verse is often used as a 'don't get angry.. Show the love of Christ' kinda thing. And I thought... Does god really want us to just keep getting slapped around or what? Then I thought about it logically... Why the direct reference to the right cheek? Let's think about it.. Most people are dominant in their right hand.. So going by the assumption that people would hit with their dominant hand it would be a reasonable assumption to say that the bible is referring to someone hitting you on your right cheek with their right hand..which would be a backhanded slap (which is an act of disrespect) Because it's pretty hard to punch someone on their right cheek with your right hand. You with me?
So.. Assuming this is all ok so far.. I'm going to suggest that what this verse could really be saying is that if we get slapped (maybe not just physically, but metaphorically) that we should not take that disrespect, but to turn our other cheek so that it then becomes an even battle so to speak, instead of a master slapping a servant kinda thing. When you turn your left cheek they cant slap you anymore - they have to punch you if they want to hit you. When you turn the other cheek, suddenly you are on even standing... Instead of being the one disrespected.
I'm struggling to think of a better way to explain it, but it's like when you turn that cheek you are saying "hit me like I'm worth hitting.. Not just like I'm a piece of slavery that means nothing to you.. Hit me like a man."
"do not resist an evil person"... Sometimes I think this part of the verse gets overlooked. Don't resist it... Turn that cheek and take them on.
I'm not sure..I just think there is a reason for the detail in the scripture.. And it is worth thinking about.
I have no idea how valid any of my thinking is on this.. And I'm not 100% convinced I'm right or anything.. I never am! It's always good to explore things and bounce ideas.
The verse continues and I have a few more theories that follow on from this.. But I will start with this!
Corrie
the promise
A few months ago I asked for something and in return I was given a desire.
I felt a promise. A promise that I need not worry about it because that something was already mine... In time.
The desire, I believe, is what will bring me to the place where I am ready to have that something that I first asked for.
The desire has matured in me and set its place firm in my heart.
It's time for action.
For once in my life I am passionate and sure.
It is time to blaze!
I felt a promise. A promise that I need not worry about it because that something was already mine... In time.
The desire, I believe, is what will bring me to the place where I am ready to have that something that I first asked for.
The desire has matured in me and set its place firm in my heart.
It's time for action.
For once in my life I am passionate and sure.
It is time to blaze!
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
the theif - brooke fraser
I love this song. I think she wrote it with a much deeper meaning than what most people appreciate. Anyhow, yours for the reading.
Your eyes are full,
full of the future of us
The air changes as you look across
at me in that wondering way
It is as if
I knew you before we spoke
Do our hearts know something we don't?
Conspiring, converging
without giving us any say
You sing me to sleep,
talk down my walls
Look through my windows as I wait
You could be the thief
I give the key to
You're ruining me
with secrets and gestures and looks
With sonnets and second-hand books
Playing the chords in me
nobody knew how to play
You sing me to sleep,
talk down my walls
Look through my windows as I wait
You could be the thief
I give the key to
It fits in your hand like the water in rain
It unlocks our two different selves
and shows we are the same
Rather than wait 'til I
put me out for the taking
You're breaking
You're breaking into my heart
and I'm letting you
Your eyes are full,
full of the future of us
Your eyes are full,
full of the future of us
The air changes as you look across
at me in that wondering way
It is as if
I knew you before we spoke
Do our hearts know something we don't?
Conspiring, converging
without giving us any say
You sing me to sleep,
talk down my walls
Look through my windows as I wait
You could be the thief
I give the key to
You're ruining me
with secrets and gestures and looks
With sonnets and second-hand books
Playing the chords in me
nobody knew how to play
You sing me to sleep,
talk down my walls
Look through my windows as I wait
You could be the thief
I give the key to
It fits in your hand like the water in rain
It unlocks our two different selves
and shows we are the same
Rather than wait 'til I
put me out for the taking
You're breaking
You're breaking into my heart
and I'm letting you
Your eyes are full,
full of the future of us
footnote
lately ive been writing a lot.
about a month ago i posted a poem (click here to read it) that was called 'umm something a little deeper than usual'.
that poem was the first one i wrote straight from within, with no consideration of what people would think when they read it. I used to stress over what people would think about my blog.. and i was very considerate about what i actually posted. since posting that poem i have found a new freedom in just writing what i feel. i really enjoy it and my writing has become much more rich and meaningful to me - even if it means nothing to the reader.
I really enjoy writing out my thoughts. Sometimes I will post something and regret it, because my thoughts have changed or my feelings aren't honestly reflected in the writing, but im choosing just to leave them as raw expressions of thoughts caught in a moment.
i guess im making a point of this because earlier in my blog i mentioned that i dont write poems about myself, and that all the lovey dovey ones are my perception of other people's circumstances.. but thats not true anymore. im enjoying writing without boundaries.. so i will continue to.
cheers for reading.
x
about a month ago i posted a poem (click here to read it) that was called 'umm something a little deeper than usual'.
that poem was the first one i wrote straight from within, with no consideration of what people would think when they read it. I used to stress over what people would think about my blog.. and i was very considerate about what i actually posted. since posting that poem i have found a new freedom in just writing what i feel. i really enjoy it and my writing has become much more rich and meaningful to me - even if it means nothing to the reader.
I really enjoy writing out my thoughts. Sometimes I will post something and regret it, because my thoughts have changed or my feelings aren't honestly reflected in the writing, but im choosing just to leave them as raw expressions of thoughts caught in a moment.
i guess im making a point of this because earlier in my blog i mentioned that i dont write poems about myself, and that all the lovey dovey ones are my perception of other people's circumstances.. but thats not true anymore. im enjoying writing without boundaries.. so i will continue to.
cheers for reading.
x
no match
- strategy is no match for destiny -
an act or instance of selection
in which you choose to place your words
quite coincidental, I would suggest
and perhaps quite strategic
-who would know?-
your strategy has no compliance
if it does not compliment destiny
dont do it to yourself again
you know that pain
an act or instance of selection
in which you choose to place your words
quite coincidental, I would suggest
and perhaps quite strategic
-who would know?-
your strategy has no compliance
if it does not compliment destiny
dont do it to yourself again
you know that pain
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
bound
kneeling, i see it differently
i see you in the panoramic future
it looks good
but i dont understand
in my head it seems a great idea
my heart agrees at times
but in reality
im just not convinced
im mad about you
and your selfish ways
it makes me cringe to see you
all big noted and proud
you pull it off though
all cool, just playing the game
'im chilled'
but i see beyond that
you are caught up
the way they talk is as if no one notices
your focus is all about you
and how you are perceived
please let go
just forget about it - let it happen
before i give up on letting it happen
its bound to happen
i see you in the panoramic future
it looks good
but i dont understand
in my head it seems a great idea
my heart agrees at times
but in reality
im just not convinced
im mad about you
and your selfish ways
it makes me cringe to see you
all big noted and proud
you pull it off though
all cool, just playing the game
'im chilled'
but i see beyond that
you are caught up
the way they talk is as if no one notices
your focus is all about you
and how you are perceived
please let go
just forget about it - let it happen
before i give up on letting it happen
its bound to happen
Sunday, April 19, 2009
if I could say it to him
I found god that day- so to say
I saw the baggage you carried
it made me notice you
it begged me to know you
you carried a case that would crush
you became my fixation
I saw you for the baggage
shallow
a heart-removed situation
they all see you for your baggage
heck, even you do
I see you
in a different light
you have upgraded, become more
stylish in your baggage carrying ways
it means nothing to me.
a chosen, god given gift
a crushing case.
use it
but don't lose yourself
you are too precious
I found god that day
I saw him in you
I still do.
I saw the baggage you carried
it made me notice you
it begged me to know you
you carried a case that would crush
you became my fixation
I saw you for the baggage
shallow
a heart-removed situation
they all see you for your baggage
heck, even you do
I see you
in a different light
you have upgraded, become more
stylish in your baggage carrying ways
it means nothing to me.
a chosen, god given gift
a crushing case.
use it
but don't lose yourself
you are too precious
I found god that day
I saw him in you
I still do.
the things I've learnt
Traveling alone (even In victoria) you learn a lot about yourself.
So if you have been reading my blog like good little boys and girls you will know that ten days ago I jumped on a plane over the bass straight to stay for an undetermined (but probably 2 weeks) in victoria. The plan was to have no plans and just see how it all worked out. I've had a blast. Spending most of my time hours away from anywhere I had been before (I'm a regular visitor to victoria). I have covered almost every region of the state in these 10 days and it's been quite cool. Here are some things I have learnt about myself and that thing we each have called 'life'.
1. No matter how little I pack I still only wear half of the clothes I pack anyway.
2. It is ALWAYS a better idea to get up and have a shower instead of convincing myself it is more important to get an extra half an hour sleep.
3. Blogging each day makes me think more and I am much more observant.
4. Good Indian curry is a great idea- but three nights in a row doesn't agree with me. Moderation... Moderation.
5.I know waaaay too many people
6. I am most lonely when I'm surrounded by so many people and so much going on.
7. It's destructive to my spirit (well that's what I figure)
8. Because... When I'm surrounded constantly I'm also in a position where I struggle to connect with god
9. I definitely need my alone time
10. I am approachable?! The amount of people of all different backgrounds who have come up to me and just started a conversation is quite bizarre
11. I don't know how to spell bizarre.. Is that right? U get the idea!
12. I am capable
13. God will use me if I make myself available - it's not about my ability, but my availability.
14. Timing is not mine
15. Bushfires devastate.. Miracles restore.
16. There's no such thing as a clean public toilet.
17. My phone is a handy companion - actually it's been a lifesaver at times!
18. Carlton draught is the local drop - baily and baily make good wine :-)
19. Yotaki skewers are a new favourite Japanese meal
20. They still play the likes of James Blunt and Anthony Callea quite regularly in shops here.
21. I miss home.
So if you have been reading my blog like good little boys and girls you will know that ten days ago I jumped on a plane over the bass straight to stay for an undetermined (but probably 2 weeks) in victoria. The plan was to have no plans and just see how it all worked out. I've had a blast. Spending most of my time hours away from anywhere I had been before (I'm a regular visitor to victoria). I have covered almost every region of the state in these 10 days and it's been quite cool. Here are some things I have learnt about myself and that thing we each have called 'life'.
1. No matter how little I pack I still only wear half of the clothes I pack anyway.
2. It is ALWAYS a better idea to get up and have a shower instead of convincing myself it is more important to get an extra half an hour sleep.
3. Blogging each day makes me think more and I am much more observant.
4. Good Indian curry is a great idea- but three nights in a row doesn't agree with me. Moderation... Moderation.
5.I know waaaay too many people
6. I am most lonely when I'm surrounded by so many people and so much going on.
7. It's destructive to my spirit (well that's what I figure)
8. Because... When I'm surrounded constantly I'm also in a position where I struggle to connect with god
9. I definitely need my alone time
10. I am approachable?! The amount of people of all different backgrounds who have come up to me and just started a conversation is quite bizarre
11. I don't know how to spell bizarre.. Is that right? U get the idea!
12. I am capable
13. God will use me if I make myself available - it's not about my ability, but my availability.
14. Timing is not mine
15. Bushfires devastate.. Miracles restore.
16. There's no such thing as a clean public toilet.
17. My phone is a handy companion - actually it's been a lifesaver at times!
18. Carlton draught is the local drop - baily and baily make good wine :-)
19. Yotaki skewers are a new favourite Japanese meal
20. They still play the likes of James Blunt and Anthony Callea quite regularly in shops here.
21. I miss home.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
day 9 - blast from the past
Location: warragul
Listening to: people talking
This morning I woke up in warragul. I decided to check out the local church in this small country town. I walked in to the sound of deep loud male voices bellowing "good mornin! how ya goin!" There were four men lined up near the entry to the auditorium. I did my head-down-walk-in-and-avoid-being-noticed-as-the-new-girl thing. It failed. I shook hands with about 10 people as I entered. Each of them saying the same thing, probably all said it a hundred times that day, "good mornin, how ya goin!".
So I got through all the hand cuddles and went to find a seat. I looked around the room and could see in the crowd of about 70 people that I was the only girl who was not a farmers daughter or wife. Clearly a farming town.
The service was quite cool. This area was mostly burnt out by fires so there was a long slide show that showed pics of people rebuilding fence lines etc. A lot of work still needs to be done here. Crazy.
After the service I was heading out to grab a cuppa when I walked past a familiar face. I took a second look and realized I definitely knew this guy. He looked about my age and was chatting away to some other people.. I even recognized his voice. I knew I had to have met him once before... But where!? I looked again and probably ended up staring... Bit rude... But I HAD to work it out!
Turns out he was on a camp I did back in tassie about 2 years ago. We were both helping out in the kitchen for two weeks. I remembered he was visiting family for the summer and had volunteered his time at camp. Funny! I am in a town I've never heard of before now.. And I know someone! Haha that's Christian circles for you!
So now I am FINALLY going to get to traralgon today. The plan was to be there 2 days ago but I found other exciting detours along the way.
Can't wait till Tuesday. I have decided when I fly home I will jump in the car and drive to the coast to visit my parents. I'm speaking at a leadership conference next weekend in ulverstone so I will probably chill on the coast until then! Ahhh I love holidays :)
Listening to: people talking
This morning I woke up in warragul. I decided to check out the local church in this small country town. I walked in to the sound of deep loud male voices bellowing "good mornin! how ya goin!" There were four men lined up near the entry to the auditorium. I did my head-down-walk-in-and-avoid-being-noticed-as-the-new-girl thing. It failed. I shook hands with about 10 people as I entered. Each of them saying the same thing, probably all said it a hundred times that day, "good mornin, how ya goin!".
So I got through all the hand cuddles and went to find a seat. I looked around the room and could see in the crowd of about 70 people that I was the only girl who was not a farmers daughter or wife. Clearly a farming town.
The service was quite cool. This area was mostly burnt out by fires so there was a long slide show that showed pics of people rebuilding fence lines etc. A lot of work still needs to be done here. Crazy.
After the service I was heading out to grab a cuppa when I walked past a familiar face. I took a second look and realized I definitely knew this guy. He looked about my age and was chatting away to some other people.. I even recognized his voice. I knew I had to have met him once before... But where!? I looked again and probably ended up staring... Bit rude... But I HAD to work it out!
Turns out he was on a camp I did back in tassie about 2 years ago. We were both helping out in the kitchen for two weeks. I remembered he was visiting family for the summer and had volunteered his time at camp. Funny! I am in a town I've never heard of before now.. And I know someone! Haha that's Christian circles for you!
So now I am FINALLY going to get to traralgon today. The plan was to be there 2 days ago but I found other exciting detours along the way.
Can't wait till Tuesday. I have decided when I fly home I will jump in the car and drive to the coast to visit my parents. I'm speaking at a leadership conference next weekend in ulverstone so I will probably chill on the coast until then! Ahhh I love holidays :)
say it raw
Me in my crowded life
misses you, in the simplest way.
Never been the kind to long after you,
pining for your presence.
Always been the kind who is content and stable knowing you are there; somewhere.
Never been the type who hangs off your every word,
recreating them to suit what I think you should have said.
Always been the type who believes what you say has been said, and that is enough.
Never been the type who loves the hype and excitement of it all.
Always been, and will be, the type who misses you for the simple things.
misses you, in the simplest way.
Never been the kind to long after you,
pining for your presence.
Always been the kind who is content and stable knowing you are there; somewhere.
Never been the type who hangs off your every word,
recreating them to suit what I think you should have said.
Always been the type who believes what you say has been said, and that is enough.
Never been the type who loves the hype and excitement of it all.
Always been, and will be, the type who misses you for the simple things.
Friday, April 17, 2009
when I go down
If and when I can
Clear myself of this clouded mind
I'll watch myself settle down
Into a place where
Peace can search me out and find
That I'm so ready to be found
When I go down
I go down hard
And I take everything I've learnt
And teach myself some disregard
I'm so ready to be found.
When I go down- relient k
Clear myself of this clouded mind
I'll watch myself settle down
Into a place where
Peace can search me out and find
That I'm so ready to be found
When I go down
I go down hard
And I take everything I've learnt
And teach myself some disregard
I'm so ready to be found.
When I go down- relient k
modern day vows
I do, take this man for granted
To have and to scold
from this day forward
You better fill my purse
Make me richer, not poorer
In fully sickness and in health
Our love will perish
From this day forward
Until death do us part
To have and to scold
from this day forward
You better fill my purse
Make me richer, not poorer
In fully sickness and in health
Our love will perish
From this day forward
Until death do us part
day 8? already!?
Location: narre warren
Listening to: U2 - No line on the horizon
Mood: content
Yesterday was all about catching up on sleep and catching trains. I hung out with my brothers flat mate until he shot off to the gym and I packed up and went for another walk to find a train station. I have blisters on my feet in almost every place my shoes touch them so I'm a little sore!
Anyhow; I jumped on a train to head back to the city so that I could get on another train and head out to see a friend from a few years back who lives in narre warren.
I didn't bump into anyone too interesting this time, but I did go and try the portugese chicken everyone raves on about here. I actually didn't like it at all. So I sat in the bar and had a pint of portugese beer instead. I liked it.
SO! When I got to narre warren I caught up with N and had a blast. I love N very much, a great friend. We can talk for hours.. and we did! We went out to a fancy Indian resturant for tea and then N took me to coldrock for some amazing icecream!
Today I'm heading to the famous kath and kim dwelling and will be meeting another friend C at fountaingate.
So nothing too exciting for you (much like most of my posts lately) but hey, I like to keep a record of events so it doesn't all just blur into one when I get home.. Which will be Tuesday! Yey!
Listening to: U2 - No line on the horizon
Mood: content
Yesterday was all about catching up on sleep and catching trains. I hung out with my brothers flat mate until he shot off to the gym and I packed up and went for another walk to find a train station. I have blisters on my feet in almost every place my shoes touch them so I'm a little sore!
Anyhow; I jumped on a train to head back to the city so that I could get on another train and head out to see a friend from a few years back who lives in narre warren.
I didn't bump into anyone too interesting this time, but I did go and try the portugese chicken everyone raves on about here. I actually didn't like it at all. So I sat in the bar and had a pint of portugese beer instead. I liked it.
SO! When I got to narre warren I caught up with N and had a blast. I love N very much, a great friend. We can talk for hours.. and we did! We went out to a fancy Indian resturant for tea and then N took me to coldrock for some amazing icecream!
Today I'm heading to the famous kath and kim dwelling and will be meeting another friend C at fountaingate.
So nothing too exciting for you (much like most of my posts lately) but hey, I like to keep a record of events so it doesn't all just blur into one when I get home.. Which will be Tuesday! Yey!
Thursday, April 16, 2009
a tired day 6
Listening to: hot hot heat
So Im lying on the floor of my brothers apartment that overlooks the city from the 5th floor. I'm tired. Today I ditched my backpack and went to the city. I had no plans, just a day of walking around taking in the city vibe.
I'm not a fan of the city. It's way too full on and dirty. I hate that no one looks at you unless they are staring. People don't smile unless they are selling you something, and there are too many people on the pavement trying to get you to sign up to their worthy causes.
It's just too much for me! I love Sydney and other larger cities but melb is not for me!
Today I was walking along with my tunes in my ears to keep me company. I was listening to leeland and thinking about the city life and the lack of eye contact between people when I got caught off guard by an Irish sounding fella. He came up to me as if he was reading my thoughts. I first noticed him when he was approaching me with a big smile and a cute wave to grab my attention. I waved back with a smile thinking that maybe he was just a friendly stranger. He said "and how are you today?" and I replied "good thanks" and shot him a quick smile and continued walking. He walked along beside me and stuck out his hand. In his quirky Irish accent he said "I'm tom. Can I have a hand cuddle?"
It made me laugh and I got all embarrassed! I shook his hand and continued walking in my polite but please-go-away-you-are-making-me-nervous kind of fashion. He skipped along beside me for a few steps and then he said "well it was nice to see you smile...see you!"
It was quite the cutest thing.
Soon after that I was getting a coffee from a little place in Melbourne central station. I ordered my drink and then turned to sit down and realized I was standing right next to a guy I was great friends with in my first and second years of uni! I said hey and he recognized me after a second and then I caught up with him and his wife for a while. That was cool.
I always seem to bump into people I know when I'm in melb. Later in the afternoon I saw my friend from launceston. We also caught up for a drink. It was good times.
Then I jumped on a train to go to prahran in attempt to get out of the city and do some shopping. I ended up in JB HIFI buying all sorts of specials.
I bought sigor ros. Alternative. Very different. But I appreciate what they do. I like it.
Sooooooo... Tomorrow I'm off to traralgon.
I'm hoping to book a flight home for Tuesday. Ready for a cuddle with george and a sleep in my own bed!
So Im lying on the floor of my brothers apartment that overlooks the city from the 5th floor. I'm tired. Today I ditched my backpack and went to the city. I had no plans, just a day of walking around taking in the city vibe.
I'm not a fan of the city. It's way too full on and dirty. I hate that no one looks at you unless they are staring. People don't smile unless they are selling you something, and there are too many people on the pavement trying to get you to sign up to their worthy causes.
It's just too much for me! I love Sydney and other larger cities but melb is not for me!
Today I was walking along with my tunes in my ears to keep me company. I was listening to leeland and thinking about the city life and the lack of eye contact between people when I got caught off guard by an Irish sounding fella. He came up to me as if he was reading my thoughts. I first noticed him when he was approaching me with a big smile and a cute wave to grab my attention. I waved back with a smile thinking that maybe he was just a friendly stranger. He said "and how are you today?" and I replied "good thanks" and shot him a quick smile and continued walking. He walked along beside me and stuck out his hand. In his quirky Irish accent he said "I'm tom. Can I have a hand cuddle?"
It made me laugh and I got all embarrassed! I shook his hand and continued walking in my polite but please-go-away-you-are-making-me-nervous kind of fashion. He skipped along beside me for a few steps and then he said "well it was nice to see you smile...see you!"
It was quite the cutest thing.
Soon after that I was getting a coffee from a little place in Melbourne central station. I ordered my drink and then turned to sit down and realized I was standing right next to a guy I was great friends with in my first and second years of uni! I said hey and he recognized me after a second and then I caught up with him and his wife for a while. That was cool.
I always seem to bump into people I know when I'm in melb. Later in the afternoon I saw my friend from launceston. We also caught up for a drink. It was good times.
Then I jumped on a train to go to prahran in attempt to get out of the city and do some shopping. I ended up in JB HIFI buying all sorts of specials.
I bought sigor ros. Alternative. Very different. But I appreciate what they do. I like it.
Sooooooo... Tomorrow I'm off to traralgon.
I'm hoping to book a flight home for Tuesday. Ready for a cuddle with george and a sleep in my own bed!
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
day 5
Location: frankston station
Listening to: coldplay- viva la vida
Mood: contemplative
Feeling: cold and sleepy
So last night I arrived in frankston and waited for my big sister to come and get me. I was standing outside a 7/11 for about an hour just observing the locals and giving my back a rest from the increasing weight of my backpack.
This place got me thinking. When I first jumped off the train a young blonde boy who looked about 8 years old, well kept, and sweet as pie came up to me and looked deep into my eyes with amazing manners and asked me for a spare dollar. I felt bad because I actually had no change on me so I said sorry and kept walking. It troubled me and I felt bad for this poor boy who probably needed to get home to his nice cooked dinner but was a dollar short for a ticket.
It wasn't until after I got some cash out and bought a slurpee that I realized what the gig with this boy was. I was standing slurping outside the before mentioned 7/11 when three Indian men congregated outside next to me, talking about restocking their store. One held a shopping bag full of ciggarette cartons over his shoulder. I was watching without them realizing when I heard a young voice say "whoa!!!!" the Indian men all had a joke with the young boy who had appeared by their side and told him he was "a very little boy to be looking at grown ups bags!" The boy had a laugh and then waved for his friends to come see. There were now 3 of them. All looked younger than ten years old, all gawking at the bag of what they thought was a jackpot! "can I have some?" asked the first boy.. The man just laughed at him and took it lightly, but then a familiar face, blonde hair, deep blue eyes looked deep into the mans eyes and said "please sir, I've got 70c?"
I was shocked. This young sweet boy was asking strangers for money to feed his addiction! The Indian men finished up their gathering and told the boys to go and make a life for themselves - in a very sweet and quite cute way.
All three boys then went on a mission asking strangers for a spare dollar. I just watched wishing I could speak to them but hey... What can I do?! An elderly Greek lady gave it a shot. When the boy asked her she glared at him and said "no no. I no have change. What for you want the money?" the boy just walked away and she shouted "WHAT FOR!? GO AWAY. Go ask your mama!! Where is your mama? Go ask your mama!"
I felt very sad to say the least. Now it must be said, I grew up in a small town where the youth would roam the streets and most of my friends were smoking by grade 6... So I'm not shocked at the begging people for money... More at the age of the boys.
So anyway.. I finally met up with my big sister and we went down to her home in rosebud. It's beautiful there. Had a great time. Last night there was a massive thunder storm. The loudest I have ever heard. Loved it!
Now I'm back on the train heading to the city where I will meet up with my big brother who is a champ. He is taking me out for tea to meet his girlfriends family. I love my bro and his girl.. So tonight will be fun!
Oh- and nick.. I have found a new drop of wine that would be best shared with good friends. So when I get back I will be sure to keep it cold and ready for a nick-Katie-coz chill time!
Listening to: coldplay- viva la vida
Mood: contemplative
Feeling: cold and sleepy
So last night I arrived in frankston and waited for my big sister to come and get me. I was standing outside a 7/11 for about an hour just observing the locals and giving my back a rest from the increasing weight of my backpack.
This place got me thinking. When I first jumped off the train a young blonde boy who looked about 8 years old, well kept, and sweet as pie came up to me and looked deep into my eyes with amazing manners and asked me for a spare dollar. I felt bad because I actually had no change on me so I said sorry and kept walking. It troubled me and I felt bad for this poor boy who probably needed to get home to his nice cooked dinner but was a dollar short for a ticket.
It wasn't until after I got some cash out and bought a slurpee that I realized what the gig with this boy was. I was standing slurping outside the before mentioned 7/11 when three Indian men congregated outside next to me, talking about restocking their store. One held a shopping bag full of ciggarette cartons over his shoulder. I was watching without them realizing when I heard a young voice say "whoa!!!!" the Indian men all had a joke with the young boy who had appeared by their side and told him he was "a very little boy to be looking at grown ups bags!" The boy had a laugh and then waved for his friends to come see. There were now 3 of them. All looked younger than ten years old, all gawking at the bag of what they thought was a jackpot! "can I have some?" asked the first boy.. The man just laughed at him and took it lightly, but then a familiar face, blonde hair, deep blue eyes looked deep into the mans eyes and said "please sir, I've got 70c?"
I was shocked. This young sweet boy was asking strangers for money to feed his addiction! The Indian men finished up their gathering and told the boys to go and make a life for themselves - in a very sweet and quite cute way.
All three boys then went on a mission asking strangers for a spare dollar. I just watched wishing I could speak to them but hey... What can I do?! An elderly Greek lady gave it a shot. When the boy asked her she glared at him and said "no no. I no have change. What for you want the money?" the boy just walked away and she shouted "WHAT FOR!? GO AWAY. Go ask your mama!! Where is your mama? Go ask your mama!"
I felt very sad to say the least. Now it must be said, I grew up in a small town where the youth would roam the streets and most of my friends were smoking by grade 6... So I'm not shocked at the begging people for money... More at the age of the boys.
So anyway.. I finally met up with my big sister and we went down to her home in rosebud. It's beautiful there. Had a great time. Last night there was a massive thunder storm. The loudest I have ever heard. Loved it!
Now I'm back on the train heading to the city where I will meet up with my big brother who is a champ. He is taking me out for tea to meet his girlfriends family. I love my bro and his girl.. So tonight will be fun!
Oh- and nick.. I have found a new drop of wine that would be best shared with good friends. So when I get back I will be sure to keep it cold and ready for a nick-Katie-coz chill time!
the grace where I find my feet
Searching without looking
Looking without seeking
I may lose my heart trying to find the answers
But I will always find my feet
Thinking without pondering
Pondering without meditating
I may lose my head in over analysis
But I will always find my feet
Talking without speaking
Speaking without thinking
I may lose a tame tongue in the heat of the moment
But I will always find my feet
Singing without pitching
Pitching without a reference
I may lose Your melody and write my own
But I will always find my feet
Living without worrying
Trusting without doubting
I may lose understanding and need to know
That I will always find my feet
Looking without seeking
I may lose my heart trying to find the answers
But I will always find my feet
Thinking without pondering
Pondering without meditating
I may lose my head in over analysis
But I will always find my feet
Talking without speaking
Speaking without thinking
I may lose a tame tongue in the heat of the moment
But I will always find my feet
Singing without pitching
Pitching without a reference
I may lose Your melody and write my own
But I will always find my feet
Living without worrying
Trusting without doubting
I may lose understanding and need to know
That I will always find my feet
Monday, April 13, 2009
day 4
So once again I find myself on a bus for the next two hours.
Music in my ears: hot fuss- the killers
Back to day two.
I made it to the city and went for a bit of a treck across to flinders st station to meet up with the lovely bec from burnie. After realizing it is near impossible to find anyone in melb we spent about half an hour on the phone trying to locate each other... Only to then realize she was at spencer st station where I had just come from. By then I had missed my train to heathmont where I was going to meet a girl who was letting me crash at her place. Naturally I got stressed thinking that I had no way of getting to her place and I hadn't even met the girl so I didn't want to be a hassle and ask her to come get me.. But.. Just when I was about to break down in tears in the middle of the crowds I spotted a neon sign indicating there was one more line to ringwood, which is right near heathmont. Woooo! So I got back on the phone to bec and would u believe it.. That was the train she was about to jump on from spencer st.. SWEET! So we had a nice public catch up on the train. When I got to ringwood I gave T a call to say I had arrived and she came to get me. By that stage I was wrecked, so tired and desperate for a shower! I got to her place and almost lost the plot when I walked in... There in the flippen middle of the sitting room was a flippen full size grand piano! Yamaha at that! She obviously saw me checkin it out and said she couldn't play it so she would love if I had a go. Man.. That thing got a workout. It was brillo!
Day three: ben and lisas wedding
Early morning. I was roped into helping T set up the church for afternoon tea. It was cool and I was keen because it meant a chance to meet people. So that was fun. T is great and bens other friends were pretty amazing. I got along with them all straight away. Really glad ben has a good group of mates over here.
The wedding was long and huge and FANCY! Very traditional and extremely well attended! It was sweet though.. And lisa looked beautiful. Seeing ben was great. I miss that kid.
So then I helped to pack up the church and then went home for a dress change and headed across town and up a mountain to the reception. It was about an hour drive which I found a bit strange .. But cool all the same. Now I thought the wedding was fancy.. The reception was amazing. They had 260 people there. I knew only ben and T. I walked in, head straight for the bat and grabbed a sav blanc. Time to meet people. I quickly spotted the crew who were about my age and off I went. Not long after I was on my third class and swapping 'ben' stories with complete strangers who turned out to be legends! The live band started (they were called Escapade). Straaaange. So after a bit of a dance they did the speeches and the best man asked who was from tassie so I shoved my hand up nice and proud and he proceeded to tell about 200 two headed Tasmanian jokes but hey... They were original and very impressive! It was a great best man speech. Then the meals were served and I was tucking into a juicy lamb shank when I felt someone rubbing my shoulders. I turned to see the best man standing behind me with a huge cheaky grin plastered across his face! He came to apologize and introduce himself all in one. He was a dude. He said he was expecting to see more taswegians in the room but it was only me! Secretly I loved it. So we busted out some moves and grooves on the dance floor and it was a great time. I made friends with some great people and am looking forward to catching up with them later this week!
For now I'm heading to frankston where I will meet up with my oldest sister michelle and head down the mornington way to her place in rye.
Music in my ears: hot fuss- the killers
Back to day two.
I made it to the city and went for a bit of a treck across to flinders st station to meet up with the lovely bec from burnie. After realizing it is near impossible to find anyone in melb we spent about half an hour on the phone trying to locate each other... Only to then realize she was at spencer st station where I had just come from. By then I had missed my train to heathmont where I was going to meet a girl who was letting me crash at her place. Naturally I got stressed thinking that I had no way of getting to her place and I hadn't even met the girl so I didn't want to be a hassle and ask her to come get me.. But.. Just when I was about to break down in tears in the middle of the crowds I spotted a neon sign indicating there was one more line to ringwood, which is right near heathmont. Woooo! So I got back on the phone to bec and would u believe it.. That was the train she was about to jump on from spencer st.. SWEET! So we had a nice public catch up on the train. When I got to ringwood I gave T a call to say I had arrived and she came to get me. By that stage I was wrecked, so tired and desperate for a shower! I got to her place and almost lost the plot when I walked in... There in the flippen middle of the sitting room was a flippen full size grand piano! Yamaha at that! She obviously saw me checkin it out and said she couldn't play it so she would love if I had a go. Man.. That thing got a workout. It was brillo!
Day three: ben and lisas wedding
Early morning. I was roped into helping T set up the church for afternoon tea. It was cool and I was keen because it meant a chance to meet people. So that was fun. T is great and bens other friends were pretty amazing. I got along with them all straight away. Really glad ben has a good group of mates over here.
The wedding was long and huge and FANCY! Very traditional and extremely well attended! It was sweet though.. And lisa looked beautiful. Seeing ben was great. I miss that kid.
So then I helped to pack up the church and then went home for a dress change and headed across town and up a mountain to the reception. It was about an hour drive which I found a bit strange .. But cool all the same. Now I thought the wedding was fancy.. The reception was amazing. They had 260 people there. I knew only ben and T. I walked in, head straight for the bat and grabbed a sav blanc. Time to meet people. I quickly spotted the crew who were about my age and off I went. Not long after I was on my third class and swapping 'ben' stories with complete strangers who turned out to be legends! The live band started (they were called Escapade). Straaaange. So after a bit of a dance they did the speeches and the best man asked who was from tassie so I shoved my hand up nice and proud and he proceeded to tell about 200 two headed Tasmanian jokes but hey... They were original and very impressive! It was a great best man speech. Then the meals were served and I was tucking into a juicy lamb shank when I felt someone rubbing my shoulders. I turned to see the best man standing behind me with a huge cheaky grin plastered across his face! He came to apologize and introduce himself all in one. He was a dude. He said he was expecting to see more taswegians in the room but it was only me! Secretly I loved it. So we busted out some moves and grooves on the dance floor and it was a great time. I made friends with some great people and am looking forward to catching up with them later this week!
For now I'm heading to frankston where I will meet up with my oldest sister michelle and head down the mornington way to her place in rye.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
adventure day 2
At the moment I am sitting in first class on a train. I have been in this seat for almost 2 hrs now. Heading from murchison to Melbourne. Last night I camped along the goulburn river. It was beautiful. Bit scary too. Massive wild bulls call that land home so they would come down to the river bank to drink 3-4 times a day. It was quite daunting at first. These massive animals with horns each the size of my arms coming right up beside you in herds of sometimes upto ten! It was awesome all the same. I'm about to meet up with bec, a chick formally of burnie now residing in melb. Quite cool. I should probably explain what this adventure is all about.. My friend ben is getting married tomorrow! We were great friends through high school and he is probably one of my tightest buddies so I'm super pumped to see him marry a beautiful girl who is also now a good friend of mine. I decided not to book a flight home because I just need a bit of adventure -you know, getting myself lost for a bit..So I'm away for about 2 weeks I reckon.. I will keep u updated on my adventures. I have no idea where I'm sleeping each night, and no plan for each day.. So just one stupid naive adventure for me. Will keep you posted!
Oh and the only reason I'm in first class is because all seats were booked out in economy ;-)
Oh and the only reason I'm in first class is because all seats were booked out in economy ;-)
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
turn me crazy
because when you
joke
pout
fight
smile
cringe
laugh
and when you are
angry
excited
dull
passionate
sadistic
faithful
frightened
it makes me want to
scream
hold
love
yell
cry
sigh
but I will probably
deny
numb
walk away.
joke
pout
fight
smile
cringe
laugh
and when you are
angry
excited
dull
passionate
sadistic
faithful
frightened
it makes me want to
scream
hold
love
yell
cry
sigh
but I will probably
deny
numb
walk away.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
1 Corinthians 13:4-7
if love is patient
- wait for me -
if love is kind
- let your actions show me -
if it does not envy
if it does not boast
and it is not proud
- i like the sound of that -
if it is not rude
- it must be considerate -
if it is not self-seeking
if it is not self-seeking
- it is not about you and me, but 'us'-
if it is not easily angered
- it knows things can take time -
if it keeps no record of wrongs
- we need to be forgiving -
if love does not delight in evil
- it must rejoice with the truth -
if it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always preserves
- love is something i will always strive to be -
God is patient,
God is kind.
He does not envy,
He does not boast,
He is not proud.
He is not rude,
He is not self-seeking,
He is not easily angered,
He keeps no record of wrongs.
God does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
He always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves
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