retrace each step - over and over..
..there's no harm in drawing, right?
drawing - blame, shame, regret.
drawing conclusions - it can't be erased
rub it out - but everyone wants to know intricate details
write a script to answer generic questions
cover it all in one go - limit the dialogue
"so who's fault?"go on, suggest it a few more times.. because I'm not feeling bad enough..
"go carefully.. take it slow.. you're bloody lucky.."
i know.
i know.
i know you care, but I'm a little vulnerable right now.
perhaps its paranoia - either you or me
sketch is getting messy
retrace, retrace, try to erase, retrace.
a messed up, screwed up canvas
stepping back i see this scribble fits
it has a perfect place on the wall
it fits
it is but a tiny piece of the bigger picture
- not such a mistake.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
yep.
This week has been an interesting one for me..
On my drive to work in the morning I find it to be the time I get to really think deep about life and where I'm at with everything. On Monday and Tuesday this week I was giving a lot over to God about things I get hung up on and emotions that I don't want to be experiencing. On Tuesday I found myself addressing a burden I have had on my heart for years.. and I felt relieved and excited to think that I could move on from that.. what has always felt like a burden soon felt like the past.. and an open door to the things to come. I have wanted to let go of it for years - tried - failed - fallen back into the same routine of thought again.. over and over.. for about 6 years now. There have been times where I temporarily switched it off but the thoughts and feelings have always been there underneath it all.. so that day I said out loud to God that it was time to move on - time to let go of this thing I didn't want to let go of.. always holding on in hope.. and I believe I did.. I believe I let it go.. but only 3 hours after that for the first time in the 6 years I experienced the exact thing I had been hoping for all these years.. I was shocked. I had waited all this time and BAM there it was.. the day I chose to give it away.. unbelievable. So it left me confused - but filled with this amazing sense of fulfillment.. I shouldn't really be that surprised about it because I already know this.. but God actually heard me.. for 6 years I have been fighting this in my mind.. and God actually heard me.. why does that surprise me? I'm not sure.. perhaps I never really believed He heard my prayers.. last weekend I wrote a thought down that said "sometimes I feel like I'm praying into the sky.. I wonder how many dreams are hanging about up there because that's where people send them.." If people really knew that He hears them.. would they talk to Him more? I still don't know what the purpose of all of this is - but I know that there is one.
Then.. yesterday I was driving home and before I knew it I was sliding across the wet road and heading straight for a 4WD so I slammed on my breaks and let the car take me off road.. I knew I was in trouble and just had to let the car take me because I had no control. I was up on 2 wheels (drivers side) and skidding towards a paddock at about 70km/hr. I could see the road out my window and thought I was going to flip down the bank but remembered being so relieved to see I was heading straight for a metal gate.. I would rather slam into a gate than roll down the paddock. So BAM into the gate I went. The car stayed up on its side for a bit and then fell back down onto all four wheels. Sounds impressive.. and the guy in the 4WD said it looked pretty impressive. At first I didn't look at the damage.. all i knew is that I couldn't get out so I'd climbed over the passenger side and then couldn't find anything in my car.. things were everywhere. I sat down, had a bit of a cry, called dad, and then began to realise what had happened. I looked at the road, and how close I came to crashing into the 4WD, I looked at the fence.. and how amazing it is that I hit the metal gate that stopped me from flipping down the bank.. because for kms along that property there is only that loose wire fencing that I would have gone straight through.. and.. the big metal pole (one from a rail yard or something) that caused the most damage hit just in front of my drivers door.. if it had of been 30cm closer to me I would have hurt my legs. I came out without a single scratch.. bit stiff and bruised from the seat belt.. but nothing wrong. I just feel so glad.. its strange. Its just a car.. and yeah a little bit inconvenient but really.. its just a car.
so there's my week.. up and down.. good and bad.. but an interesting week to have.
On my drive to work in the morning I find it to be the time I get to really think deep about life and where I'm at with everything. On Monday and Tuesday this week I was giving a lot over to God about things I get hung up on and emotions that I don't want to be experiencing. On Tuesday I found myself addressing a burden I have had on my heart for years.. and I felt relieved and excited to think that I could move on from that.. what has always felt like a burden soon felt like the past.. and an open door to the things to come. I have wanted to let go of it for years - tried - failed - fallen back into the same routine of thought again.. over and over.. for about 6 years now. There have been times where I temporarily switched it off but the thoughts and feelings have always been there underneath it all.. so that day I said out loud to God that it was time to move on - time to let go of this thing I didn't want to let go of.. always holding on in hope.. and I believe I did.. I believe I let it go.. but only 3 hours after that for the first time in the 6 years I experienced the exact thing I had been hoping for all these years.. I was shocked. I had waited all this time and BAM there it was.. the day I chose to give it away.. unbelievable. So it left me confused - but filled with this amazing sense of fulfillment.. I shouldn't really be that surprised about it because I already know this.. but God actually heard me.. for 6 years I have been fighting this in my mind.. and God actually heard me.. why does that surprise me? I'm not sure.. perhaps I never really believed He heard my prayers.. last weekend I wrote a thought down that said "sometimes I feel like I'm praying into the sky.. I wonder how many dreams are hanging about up there because that's where people send them.." If people really knew that He hears them.. would they talk to Him more? I still don't know what the purpose of all of this is - but I know that there is one.
Then.. yesterday I was driving home and before I knew it I was sliding across the wet road and heading straight for a 4WD so I slammed on my breaks and let the car take me off road.. I knew I was in trouble and just had to let the car take me because I had no control. I was up on 2 wheels (drivers side) and skidding towards a paddock at about 70km/hr. I could see the road out my window and thought I was going to flip down the bank but remembered being so relieved to see I was heading straight for a metal gate.. I would rather slam into a gate than roll down the paddock. So BAM into the gate I went. The car stayed up on its side for a bit and then fell back down onto all four wheels. Sounds impressive.. and the guy in the 4WD said it looked pretty impressive. At first I didn't look at the damage.. all i knew is that I couldn't get out so I'd climbed over the passenger side and then couldn't find anything in my car.. things were everywhere. I sat down, had a bit of a cry, called dad, and then began to realise what had happened. I looked at the road, and how close I came to crashing into the 4WD, I looked at the fence.. and how amazing it is that I hit the metal gate that stopped me from flipping down the bank.. because for kms along that property there is only that loose wire fencing that I would have gone straight through.. and.. the big metal pole (one from a rail yard or something) that caused the most damage hit just in front of my drivers door.. if it had of been 30cm closer to me I would have hurt my legs. I came out without a single scratch.. bit stiff and bruised from the seat belt.. but nothing wrong. I just feel so glad.. its strange. Its just a car.. and yeah a little bit inconvenient but really.. its just a car.
so there's my week.. up and down.. good and bad.. but an interesting week to have.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Saturday, February 7, 2009
timeless
Last night we were at the beach and Simon pointed out that wherever you walk, it seems the moons reflection is one big beam of light reflected off the water that ends up pointing directly at you.. Its strange. Have u ever seen this? I'm not scientifically minded.. nor am i a logical thinker when it comes to this stuff.. but I am intrigued.
Anyway - the moon was amazing on the water last night.. I ended up just sitting watching the water for hours with some peeps. It was very relaxing.. although the drive home was not so nice.. I was tired by the time I left.. which I believe was about 1am. But hey.. totally worth it.
Its always amazing when I just sit and take in the beauty we have all around us. Especially the ocean.. when I look straight out I am looking at the same scene that every generation before me would have seen as they looked out.. there is no evidence of man's existence (perhaps an occasional satellite passing by waaaaaaaaay up in the night sky, or a tiny red light out at sea).. but it is like time is no factor.. I could have been sitting there a million years ago and would have been witnessing the same beauty I saw last night.
Just my thoughts.
x
Anyway - the moon was amazing on the water last night.. I ended up just sitting watching the water for hours with some peeps. It was very relaxing.. although the drive home was not so nice.. I was tired by the time I left.. which I believe was about 1am. But hey.. totally worth it.
Its always amazing when I just sit and take in the beauty we have all around us. Especially the ocean.. when I look straight out I am looking at the same scene that every generation before me would have seen as they looked out.. there is no evidence of man's existence (perhaps an occasional satellite passing by waaaaaaaaay up in the night sky, or a tiny red light out at sea).. but it is like time is no factor.. I could have been sitting there a million years ago and would have been witnessing the same beauty I saw last night.
Just my thoughts.
x
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Motivate Me
So since achieving my most recent goal of taking the leap from the plane I have found myself feeling a little anxious about not having a short term goal. Every day I would think about the skydive and be working towards making sure I was going to do it. Now I find myself dreaming that it hasn't happened yet and then all day thinking about when it is going to happen.. I need something else to occupy my mind! I spoke with the lovely Miss VT this morning for a good length of time about my proposed trip to Thailand in June/July. Dan and I decided it would be cool to do a few short trips overseas before doing a big one to Europe sometime in the future. Dan is one of my closest buddies, we lived together for a bit a couple of years ago and have known each other for about 4 yrs now. I think he will be a good bloke to travel with (mainly because he is a trained body guard) hehe. So anyway - we are thinking that Monday/Tuesday will be the day we book and pay for our tickets.. how sweet is that going to be! Crazy.
Im excited. Also - I have officially scrapped my fear of heights.. I was at the Poatina pool the other day and was hanging around on the edge of the pool (was always terrified of falling in) and also keen to jump off the diving board (strange.. the last time I did this it literally with no exaggeration, took me about 40 mins to get the courage up - and even then I didn't really have the courage, just stupidity to put myself through it). So now I am getting a group together to the do cable hang gliding in Riverside. So if you are keen let me know.. apparently its mad fun and pretty cheap! $10 a turn is what I've heard is the going rate.
So BAM.
xx
Im excited. Also - I have officially scrapped my fear of heights.. I was at the Poatina pool the other day and was hanging around on the edge of the pool (was always terrified of falling in) and also keen to jump off the diving board (strange.. the last time I did this it literally with no exaggeration, took me about 40 mins to get the courage up - and even then I didn't really have the courage, just stupidity to put myself through it). So now I am getting a group together to the do cable hang gliding in Riverside. So if you are keen let me know.. apparently its mad fun and pretty cheap! $10 a turn is what I've heard is the going rate.
So BAM.
xx
the grip and the pull
just a book but wow a novel
sandy ground, no rough thick gravel
3 months - but 12 weeks sounds so much longer
he is tough but of course he is much much stronger
ouch it hurt and now its diagnosed
no 'actually' about the treatment, it is all just supposed.
it is full halfway but it is overflowing
push it a bit further without you knowing
a crack in the glass is now a smashed window
the game becoming habit, the life becoming low.
the rules appear a game of heart
why would she say this - setting her beliefs apart
but the game my friend is a trick of the mind
anyone can fall for it at any one time
beware of the monster who grabs at your thoughts
who tames your conscience to believe it is not false
he rips at your reasoning, he tears your moral state
he will get you to believe it to which point it is too late
too late to go back and retrace for retrieval
time to start new, erase and rid evil.
sandy ground, no rough thick gravel
3 months - but 12 weeks sounds so much longer
he is tough but of course he is much much stronger
ouch it hurt and now its diagnosed
no 'actually' about the treatment, it is all just supposed.
it is full halfway but it is overflowing
push it a bit further without you knowing
a crack in the glass is now a smashed window
the game becoming habit, the life becoming low.
the rules appear a game of heart
why would she say this - setting her beliefs apart
but the game my friend is a trick of the mind
anyone can fall for it at any one time
beware of the monster who grabs at your thoughts
who tames your conscience to believe it is not false
he rips at your reasoning, he tears your moral state
he will get you to believe it to which point it is too late
too late to go back and retrace for retrieval
time to start new, erase and rid evil.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Skydive!
Well.. yesterday I waited around for hours watching my mates fall out of the sky.. it got me pumped. 14 of us (i think) were booked in to skydive in Wynyard yesterday.. the views are gorgeous.. we jumped over the coastline and landed at the aero club. I was happy to wait until everyone had gone.. and the more people I saw doing it the more I became calm and happy to give it a shot. I cant say I was scared.. just more nervous.. mainly nervous that the harness wouldn't fit.. but when i got it on I was set to go and pumped.. from that moment I had no nerves and no fear. Jumped in the plane and LOVED the plane ride up.. it took about 25 mins for us to get to 10,000ft (but i was told later we went a little higher than 10,000ft, not sure if they were joking) but anyway.. up we went.. I was wedged against the door of the plane and was the first to jump. I had trouble getting my feet out of the plane, not because I was scared, but literally because i was jammed in.. so when I finally had both feet out I was pumped and ready to go. I leaned back, took a deep breath and gave the dude a thumbs up... i was mad keen to jump! The next few seconds were a complete blur.. we tumbled for a bit and then finally straightened out and were free falling taking in the scenery.. then the parachute went off without the guy warning me and it scared the crap out of me!! It felt like we went shooting back up into the sky, but really we were just slowing.. then I had a shot at steering the parachute and that was funny.. the ride back down was a bit surreal.. i think I was just so terrified of the whole tumble bit that I wanted to be back on land.. the poor dude strapped to my back copped a mouthful of abuse all the way down.. haha but he just had a big giggle and assured me we were fine. When I landed it was the best feeling in the world. I thought I was going to die up there! At first I said 'I will NEVER do that again.. I HATED it!" and I was the only one out of all of us to say that... but then I got home and started talking about it all and realised how much of a rush it was and how awesome it actually was.. and now I am pretty keen to go again! I like feeling fear of that kind.. it was such a sensory overload.. I honestly cant explain what it felt like. Amazing really.. terrifying also! But yes.. EVERYONE should try it once in their life.. if I can do it - ANYONE CAN.
I guess for me.. I never really thought I would do something like that. I have always held back when it comes to extreme sports.. im goin to get a bit deep here.. its mainly because of my weight. I have always had issues believing I can do this sort of stuff.. and I did it because I needed to show myself that I can do it. I decided that skydiving is probably the most extreme sport around, and if I could show myself that I could do that.. then I could do anything! Im so proud of myself.. not so much for actually jumping out of the plane - that bit was easy - but for losing enough weight to do it and for proving to myself that I can. It is a massive goal achieved. The next one is international travel.. I have some concerns with that.. but cant wait to scare myself silly by booking a trip somewhere.
The best part about yesterday.. is that I did it with my friends. I can safely say that I would never have booked the dive if Bushy didnt organise it all. I knew I would have a better chance of doing it if I knew my friends were doing it too.
And in other news - I am now a full time teacher for grades 6/7/8.. WOO! The job has been in negotiation for a couple of weeks now, and this morning the principal called and confirmed. Im stoked.
Videos and Pictures will be posted on the blog soon!
I guess for me.. I never really thought I would do something like that. I have always held back when it comes to extreme sports.. im goin to get a bit deep here.. its mainly because of my weight. I have always had issues believing I can do this sort of stuff.. and I did it because I needed to show myself that I can do it. I decided that skydiving is probably the most extreme sport around, and if I could show myself that I could do that.. then I could do anything! Im so proud of myself.. not so much for actually jumping out of the plane - that bit was easy - but for losing enough weight to do it and for proving to myself that I can. It is a massive goal achieved. The next one is international travel.. I have some concerns with that.. but cant wait to scare myself silly by booking a trip somewhere.
The best part about yesterday.. is that I did it with my friends. I can safely say that I would never have booked the dive if Bushy didnt organise it all. I knew I would have a better chance of doing it if I knew my friends were doing it too.
And in other news - I am now a full time teacher for grades 6/7/8.. WOO! The job has been in negotiation for a couple of weeks now, and this morning the principal called and confirmed. Im stoked.
Videos and Pictures will be posted on the blog soon!
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