Sleepless Nights

Don't you just love it when you are so tired - but cant sleep.

I was flaking out on the couch about 2 hours ago.. almost dead to the world.

I said my goodbyes to facebook friends and jumped into bed.

Laying there - eyes closed - talking to myself amongst my thoughts..

No sleep.

My mind decided not to shut off.

So I got up, did a few easy exercises on the random apparatus we have in our house.

Jumped back into bed. Not enough. Need to get rid of more energy.

Got up again, onto the bike this time. Did a 5km sprint ride. An attempt to burn baby burn all that energy... Now I am wide awake.

Made a fruit salad for tomorrow. Now I'm just hungry! Its 2am.. I should be sleeping. Instead I am blogging.

This is annoying. Lately I can't sleep. I have had a friend stay over the last couple of nights this week and its been great to lay awake chatting into the night, falling asleep at some point.. but when I'm on my own, my thoughts just wont give in.

I find this ridiculous. Any suggestions?

nasty girl

Macy knows exactly how to play the game
– getting in with the nice girl so she can use her to find her way in
Friendships form, but a plan all the same.

Little to Macy’s knowledge – the nice girl has been played many times before.
She knows these games back to front
She knows Macy is just looking for a door.

Damn you nice girl! Why do you let such games be played?!
Macy found another way - Tell her secrets
Then she will feel betrayed.

Secrets bind nice girl from honesty
Demanding and game-worthy
They pull her down and begin to tear at her very image, you see.

Macy thinks she has got it made now. She has found her place in the group, the ‘clique’.
Nice girl takes off – too sad and upset at the naivety of her friends.
Macy has no interest in you – only in him.
The games begin.

Ek het 'n kak dag vandag!

Vandag ek het 'n crap dag. Ek voel regtig terneergedruk. Dit het baie om te doen met die feit dat ek gaan toer met Daniel to Torquay en te danke aan geld hierdie mag nie wees gebeurtenis nou. Ek dit net frustrerend omdat ek het nie 'n duidelike begrip van waar ek sal wees volgende jaar. Dit is frustrerend en ek voel siek weens dit. Ek wou nie skryf hierdie in engels so u het dit in afrikaans. Indien u verstaan - sleg. Ander redes sluitin manne, wel meer so die meisies dat assosieer met die manne. Dit is net hinderlik en ek is meisies omtrent dit alles. So daar u het dit. Ek het 'n kak dag! Dankie Manne.

Habit

Wake up early - it is a nice day - she would usually smile.
Instead she stays in bed until at least 4 more hours have passed.
Sleep through the buzz - everyone else's lives are just as hers should be.
Gets up - walks around - stumbles through the house deciding to retreat back to bed where she can feel warmth - yet no security.
Heater cranking, TV on to block out any thought.
Phone beside her - waiting. Nothing.
Push play - start the season so she can block out another episode of thought.
Stressful dreaming - catholic schools - ringing bells bigger and louder than conceivable.
All the while she is standing, clinging to a plank of wood - floating in the dark water.
Afraid of the unknown.
Wake up. Look around. He is gone. Rest easy now. Push play for another episode.
Sun is belting its heat through the slats in the blinds. Time to get up.
Day is lost. Better it be lost than another reason to feel lost.

zoe is my sunshine

i am happy.

today has been a mix of things.

running around getting bits and pieces done.

went to uni and did a maths test - ugh.

had a nice chat with my girls.

worked.

steve is coming over for tea again.

today is a happy and productive day.

blugh

yawn - i see you there
20 seconds of mediocrity
flop down
don't even try
love - its not what you think it is
clean your face - you are dribbling
maybe
how do you know
don't tell me
put it on the wall

DDW

Hoorah!

It is over. I am SO relieved. Never again in my life will I participate in Mayhem Madness.. I can honestly say it has been so so so fun, but also one of the hardest things I have had to do!

So tonight marked the end of Mayhem Madness and the beginning of the next week long challenge. This week I am participating in what is called DDW. It stands for Dedicated Discipline Week. The rules are as follows:

- must go to ALL classes
- must do at least 2 hours of reading for assignments per day
- must spend as much time working on assignments as spent in leisure activities (hard one)
- no going out for social occasions
- no alcohol or addictive substances (too easy)
- must eat all healthy foods and drink 2lt of water each day
- must have the house clean and ready for surprise inspections from monitors
- must participate in the hour long walk each night
- must do a further half and hour exercise each day


The rules are quite simple.. but the monitors are strict! We have to keep a diary of our progress and have an accountability partner.

You know what.. I am going to LOVE this week.. I am really excited about it!

All this ''end of uni'' stuff is actually quite cool and is making us all a little more cheery about the fact that it is coming to an end.

Oh by the way - did I mention - I am officially the winner of the Mayhem Madness Week? Yes, that is right.. I didn't break a single rule the whole week. CHAMPION!

So this week will be much better..

Consider yourself updated.

Later Mater
Coz x

6 years later..

Wynyard is a small place. I just got chatting to a girl I went to high school with. I haven't seen her in years so it was crazy to see how she is doing. She has 3 kids all to different guys and is living in Wynyard still, working as a consultant for a company similar to avon. I asked her if she had seen our friend Leah recently and she said something along these lines:

''yeah she works at woolies and is wif matt who has 2 kids to helen on king island, not the matt im wif but the matt that tacca was wif in high school. Im wif matt that was wif hilary. Helen is on king island wif matts brother and matts kids. Leah has no kids yet but shes doing great.''

WHOA! Hang on a second.. these are my girls!!! Whats happened? I said how crazy it is that we have all ended up in different situations in life.. and asked her if she ever dreamed of being a mum to 3 kids by 21.. she said no..

I think she would make a wonderful mum.. and kids are not something to be seen as a burden in her life.. but i just wonder where she would be if she chose to break out of the small town when she still had all these dreams of becoming a makeup artist and traveling the world. Not everyone has to get out and travel etc.. but I do clearly remember we had so many conversations in high school about young mums and how we wanted to experience a bit of the world before any of that.. and now I feel a little sad for her... but at the same time so proud that she is being an amazing mum to her kids.

Anyway - it just got me thinking about it.. because I wonder how small decisions (and big ones) can ultimately change the course of life.. and will I be making mistakes if I choose to go places, when clearly my heart is here.. I dont know.. I am just scared. Scared to make the wrong decision. Even more scared to make the right decision.

Friends, Madness & Love.

I have a beautiful friend.

A while ago, he drove from Burnie to come and visit me in Launceston just to make sure I was alright. The legend knew something wasn't quite right. Back then I almost found it frustrating because I didn't want to tell someone about what was going on.. not that it was a big deal.. just happier not voicing it! He came in and sat on my bed and talked, cried and prayed with me for hours that day. The night crept up on us and he took off back to Burnie and life went on as usual.. I never really gave it a second thought.. he calls at times, just for a chat.. and sometimes its bad timing so we dont get to talk much, but just to know he is there thinking about me and wanting to know how I am.. pretty cool.. so anyway he called just checking in.. just a chat to see that things were alright.. and it reminded me of that day.. life just seemed to keep rolling and I never really took in how much he actually helped me out. And what do I do for him? Not a lot.. sometimes I get grumpy at myself because I just want to be that person who drops everything for anyone who needs me. Thats a tough thing sometimes. Hmm.. Im just blabbing my thoughts.

Hmmm tonight I am home - just me and George cuddled up in bed.. its nice.. peaceful. I am still competing in the Mayhem Madness. Tonight we went to The Royal Oak and then on to the Royal on George.. danced a bit.. met some new people. It seems almost everyone I meet says ''OH! Your're Coz!! I have heard all about you!''... it gets me paranoid!! Why do all these people know me.. AGH! But anyway.. they are all nice dudes.. had a lot of fun actually.. I was the taxi girl tonight so I drove from venue to venue and then decided to call it an early one at 2am and head home to bed.. I am just chatting online and doing the facebook thing until I get a call from my girls asking me to come and pick them up. Fun fun. So ONE night left of the Mayhem Madness.. and I am REALLY over it now. Last night pretty much wrecked me! I need a night in at home.. this truly is mad. Tomorrow night is meant to be the big one where we all go off the show.. fortunately I don't really get involved in that anyway.. so it will probably just be a lot of dancing and meeting more people and then heading back home for a big rest before starting the week again.

So there you have it.. updated.

I was saying to Stef today that I tend to blab on about nothing useful in my blogs.. but once I get going I just go for it. Oh well.

Sleep tight fellow bloggers
xxx - three kisses... means im feelin the love tonight - just sharing it around with muh homies. Chill crew. Laters.

Just Crimpin'

I have a friend who is a chick,
She likes to blog and talks real quick.
I met her only a few months ago,
and we got talking about the people we know.
We made up a number system only we know about,
but some curious boys have tried to figure it out!
We give nothing away and they don't have a clue,
so watch out friends - especially number 2!
We have a lot of harmless fun,
giggling lots when we walk in the sun.
Somerset beach is home to many great conversations,
its where we talk out all of our frustrations.
I miss her muchly and cant wait to catch up,
so we can chat and drink coffee out of a cup.
I'm struggling to rhyme this amazing piece of text,
so I'm going to end it now by rhyming text with next.
It sucks when I can't think of a cool word,
and now this piece of brilliance has turned into turd.
So here it is Stef, just as I said I would,
A blog all about you - I did the best I could.

lyric

- Ive got all this money but no sense to make change -

Birds of Tokyo




One of his lyrics that stood out to me tonight.. play on words.. I like it.

Birds of Tokyo

Perth, WA - indie band
Birds of Tokyo
Recent Album - Universes

I have liked the band for a while now.. but not to the point where I love them..

Somehow live gigs have the power to make that change for me. Tonight I saw Birds live and really enjoyed it. I watched from the back for a bit, but couldn't resist the pull of the stage. I had to get amongst it!

The thing that had me stumped was his voice. On the albums his vocals are neat and quite unique - but tonight I realised just how insane his voice is. He never lost pitch.. he reached higher than I can.. he fully belted out massive notes that lasted full and strong beyond what I ever would have imagined was authentic on the album. It amazed me. He never struggled.. it sounded so natural and powerful. Insane. I am muchos imprezzos!

Oh and as for the multilayering on the album.. I always thought there was only one singer and perhaps a bv volcalist.. but no.. there is the lead singer, and then the guitarist sings all the other backing.. so in a live set it sounded flippin amazing! They were tight, entertaining, and had an awesome selection of songs. I was a bit taken back that they started the set with the first two songs off their latest album - played almost exactly the same - and I thought we might have another eskimo joe gig on our hands, where u could pretty much shut your eyes and be listening to the album... I like gigs where they mix it up and shock u a bit! Anyway.. the order of their tracks was brillo and you should have seen the way the crowd reacted when they played 'wayside'.. man alive.. that song rocked the venue. I loved it.

So all in all.. I was expecting big things from this gig.. and I got so much more than that. It was rad. Oh and I got the chance to have a chat with some of the guys involved in the band (not the band members, just roadies etc) and that was awsome. I was chatting with the dude at the merch stand and asking him if their album art is by Shaun Tan because it looks so much like his work.. he didn't know but was then keen to find out as well so he said he would sus it out.. I never found out the answer to my question, but did learn a lot of other business. Fun times. I like gigs.. cool people, great tunes, and always a bit of head bopping and bustin of the groovy beats.

So.. it is day 5 of Mayhem Madness and I am still alive and kicking. I am living off an average of 3 hrs sleep a night now, and am still working and doing uni. I got home at 3am this morning, did my washing, went to bed and was up by 6am getting ready for uni.. went to uni - pumped out an assignment with the Jimmy, then jumped in the car and drove to work.. got home, got changed, went to Birds.. it really is MADNESS! Only 2 more nights of it and then Im going to become a nana and stay indoors for a bit! - Although I am really enjoying it.. it has been great getting out on the social scene a bit more.

Anyway, it is bed time now. I will get a bit of a sleep in tomorrow so that shall be wonderful. If you have managed to read this far through this post I congratulate you.. leave a comment so I know who the committed ones are! You might even win a lollie or something fun like that.

Night Homies,
Chill.
xx

Manipulation

Stand here for a while -
See it from my eyes.
Now stand in the position you have put him in -
See it from his eyes.

She wants to feel love
More love - a different love - than the one he is giving.
He cares for your spirit - you want him to care for your heart.

This is it.

Just in case someone else slips up first,
I thought you better know - so I will break it to you.
Now Im the one who slipped up first.
Look at the position you have put me in.

Intriguing

I find you quite intriguing
You find me different and fun
We both enjoy this time together
Let’s see what it can become

I find you very appealing
You beckon to know me more
We are getting closer now
Closer than before

I find you upbeat and talented
You find me aspiring to be
No wonder we get along so well
Life is nice - just you and me

We find each other every day
We find this love thing is OK
Getting nearer, more dependent
Not the relationship He intended

We find time flies with no delay
We have found distraction in this way
You like me as much as I need you
A little too much some might say

If I find you to be distant
I find myself feeling distressed
I’m beginning to rely on you
And this is making me depressed

We are all mixed up –
What went wrong?
Heading in the wrong direction -
I knew this all along

Mayhem Madness

Sunday night marked the beginning of a week long journey called Mayhem Madness. This week involves 3 gals spending their evenings touring the pubs of Launceston to finally decide after 4 yrs of the uni life, which pub is the place to be. Which pub suits our needs?

We have been visiting a few venues each night.. and are hoping to cover the whole of Launceston in the 7 nights. We already cancelled out quite a few places due to their seedy nature and reputation for nasty nightlife. So we have narrowed it down quite a bit.

Last night we made a discovery.. first we went to the casino and that was depressing. So we got out of there and headed back into town to a pub called the Hub. It was amazing.

In there I saw uni lecturers, local artists, theatre dudes, and heaps of musos! It was awesome. Zoe and I got talking to the dude who was playing guitar and he said we could have a jam there with them next saturday night, so that shall be brill. They were really chilled and fun. A drummer dude was playing along with the guitar using a rubbish bin and some pots and pans from the kitchen.. haha it was great stuff.

Also met some very interesting people. A guy whose name is Baraka. AMAZING! I was stunned at his name. Its my favourite movie, and I must say.. it is also my favourite word. It means so many different things in different languages, but all with a common theme of 'blessing'.. love it. So that was sweet.

Right now I am feeling very tired and pretty sore from all this dancing rubbish that we manage to whip out. Actually.. I will also add that my favourite part of Mayhem Madness so far is the journey between pubs.. we drive our way around and the driver chooses a random spot to pull over and we all have to jump out of the car and shake our groove thing with the stereo up.. it is hilarious. Highlight for me would be K-mart car park. Man we sound like rebels.. but no.. its all in good fun and we love it. Its our way of celebrating the last few weeks of uni together.. its all coming to an end.

So there is your update. Apart from that.. still working on the plans for december for those of u who knowsies whats happening.. and for those who dont - just be excited for me until I can tell you and then you will be even more excited I hope!

Peace out fools. Stay safe and keep off the streets ya'll.

Am i normal?

there is a glimpse of you in everything I do

ever find yourself doing things that are so attachted to someone or something? I have recently been finding myself saying and doing things that one of my friends says and does.. and its not bad.. i like myself better when i am more like them.. because they inspire me by the way they live.. but is it weird?

Even in personal decisions and stuff.. i am thinking about what they would do.. how would they handle this situation? I wonder if they know just how much i look upto them. Strange.. i have caught myself out on this one.. because I didnt even realise I was doing it.

hmm..

About A Boy

Hey.

Hey.

Whats happening?

Ah.. you know.. nothin.

Cool.

What about you?

Nothin.

Cool.

Yeah. So...

.... want some corn?

Corn?

Its delicious

Oh..

Want some?

Yes please.

décidélaisse

Lève toi c'est décidélaisse moi te remplacerje vais prendre ta douleur..

France... now there's a thought!

Not somewhere I have ever really wanted to go.. but somewhere I am now considering. I am more interested in Scandinavia and Eastern Europe now.

Decisions decisions.. décidélaisse décidélaisse..

metaphysical

you kept me in suspense.
i pretend it bothers me
but keep it cool..
no worries!

i appreciate the opportunity you are giving me to embrace the unknown - again

because if you haven't said it..
you might not mean it.
its easier that way.

Smile and wave.

.. he says this, I say that.. then we both say..
imaginary words - are beautiful

Because if you don't say it..
I still know you mean it.
Its easier that way.

lovers music and such

...i started thinking... and a list began to form... and this is the result.


Muse
Bloc Party
Mystery Jets
Adele
Ting Tings
Robbie Williams
The Streets
The Beatles
Corinne Bailey Rae
Neg
The Wombats
Coldplay
Black Books
Balls of Steel
Take That
IT Crowd
The Mighty Boosh
Garth Maringi's Darkplace

...just a few things I love that have come out of the U.K.. and im sure the list will go on and on...

So anyway..

So I thought I better write a quick update..

I am back in Launceston at the moment. I have 2 and a bit weeks left of uni classes.. but they seem to be a giant waste of time at the moment. We are pretty much at uni 4 hours a week just turning up and signing our names off in each class. Not learning anything interesting.

Tonight I will punch out my second last assignment, and it will feel GREAT!

Things are a bit up in the air for me right now.. i guess..

I am not sure if I should stay in Launceston for these next few weeks or move back to the bay.. i like burnie.. but my job is in launceston.. and I need money because after ive finished uni I have some big plans that require money money money.

I really dont like money.

So anyway.. things are exciting.. I did find it really scary until someone wise said to me 'yeah but it can be exciting too!'.. and then i decided to channel my fears into excitement.. and now I am a bit of both.. but thats ok :)

So for now, I am in Launceston. Will be coming back to Burnie for a quick visit at some stage, but apart from that I will just rely on the power of the telephone.

Näkemiin! - which is Finnish for Goodbye.

Miss Baxter

Well.. yesterday I finished my internship.

The last time I will ever be considered a 'student teacher'..

crazy!

I loved my day yesterday..
I was sent to work in the early childhood class with a young girl who needs a lot of support. So I was sitting with her talking about the shapes and colours in my necklace and I was wishing I was back in my class spending the last day with my kids.

but little did i know.. they were planning something special.

when i walked back in my classroom i got a standing ovation and a round of applause from my kids.. they had set up the room for a party and were all standing around a big seat they had prepared for me.. i felt like a queen! They put streamers all over me and clapped and cheered for what seemed an eternity! The tears were flowing all round!

Then a few of the kids gave speeches about their experiences with me.. all the staff were there watching and there were a few tears! It was beautiful.. but the thing that really got me going.. is when they all stood up again and sang a song for me. They stood singing 'time of your life' by green day from beginning to end. It was BEAUTIFUL!

It was so lovely.

I love my kids. I will miss them so so so much.


I have a million home made gifts and second hand pressies that they gave me... very cute. They made me a big banner and presented me with a bunch of flowers.. these kids are awesome. I didn't expect anything like this!

So.. in closing.. I LOVE those kids.. I will miss them all very much. Can't wait to visit them next term sometime.

I am so thankful for such an amazing internship. It makes my bad experiences with prac last year almost seem worth it.. in fact.. I would do it all again because now I know why I had to go through that. There is always a plan even if it seems to be a mess.

I think my life is like an abstract work of art - messy and confusing, but beautiful in its own right.

Pimped My Ride

Today was swell.

I went to the Bushy's house after school so he could have another crack at putting in the CD player that he and the other lads bought for my car. I am so lucky. Those fellas are the bomb.com! And we got it going!

We christened the new CD player with a dose of Muse.. ahhh... magical!

I had the best drive home ever.. cranked up some Birds of Tokyo and was lovin' it!

Thanks boys.. you have made me smile for a long time to come!
:-)

Jammin with the Sovereign

Silence absorbs me

A potent hush

Untamed expressions consume my face as I indulge in every inch of your melody

Your cadence rips at my core

The very essence of renewal

Desperate to jam with the sovereign of song

Alas, I choose to hide behind timidity

Sing to me a new song

Engage me in your waves of sound

So that I may alter my insecurities

and choose to eradicate

my suppression of song

Baraka

Fryktinngytende! which is Norwegian for.. AWESOME!

I am quite excited..

I just read that my favourite film is going to have a sequel release next year.

Normally i get a bit worried about sequels.. but this one will be a killer.

The film is called Baraka.. which means 'blessing' in a massive amount of languages. The film has no dialogue, just pictures, music, and scenes from all over the world. I love it. It is an amazing film and I am really looking forward to the sequel release 'Samsara'.

If you haven't had the chance to watch Baraka, I highly recommend you do!
:-)

Living With a Black Dog

Last night I was reading Matthew 1 & 2. I decided to underline each time God spoke to someone through a dream.. I was amazed at just how much He did this.. almost every time someone received a prophesy or warning from God it was through a dream. I have heard before that the most common form of communication from God in the bible is through dreams.

I have always been a dreamer and have learnt a lot about myself through my dreams.. and I sometimes surprise myself with the 'wisdom' that I seem to have when Im dreaming..

This morning I woke up preaching to myself.. it was such a strange thing. I remember the words clearly. I wondered if I was just saying to myself what I knew was 'right'.. but then I realised that the words I was hearing were new to me, a new outlook on the situation, and not one that I think I could have come up with myself. Interesting...

I dreamt about a book I read a long time ago when I was struggling to relate to a girl I know who has depression. I got to the point where I had no idea what to do because I had never experienced depression at that stage and I had no clue what she was going through. I read this book called 'living with a black dog'.. it is a fantastic picture book that gives the reader some insight into living with depression.

Anyway, I was dreaming about this book, and then a dude came in the room dressed in a strange coloured jacket. Everyone looked at him thinking 'what the heck is he wearing? why would he choose to dress in those colours?'... I still cant quite describe the colour.. it was pretty strange.. yellow but green but pink.. and a bit blue as well. strange... but beautiful.

Anyway.. this dude was wearing his jacket with pride.. and he looked strange, but he also looked like the most confident dude in the room. He got up in my face and said 'It is time to change your colour. It is time to paint a new picture. It is time to experiment with the pallet and mix up your own, your very own colour. A colour that doesn't define you, but separates you. Your colour has faded. It is your time now... to show that black dog just how colourful your clothing is.. your faith is not plain and faded, but your colour is.. why? your faith is vibrant and individual to you... my faith wont work for you, my colour wont work for you, you have your own spirit and you also have your own colour.."

My feelings about this dream probably sum up what it means to me.. basically, I have issues wearing colours.. because it draws attention to me.. it makes me more noticeable.. but if I just wear black or grey I can kind of blend in.. and lately I have been thinking about my faith and how 'visible' it is in my life. If people think I am hardcore for Jesus will they shut me out in fear of me being one of the annoying stereotypical christians? Faith can be like clothing I guess.. we can wear our faith so bright and colourful that everyone knows about it, or we can blend in to the crowd and no one really knows the difference. I am a victim of blending. I don't think it is a bad thing.. because it is a fact that people are generally scared of talking to people who have their faith on display.. generally speaking.. but... I also want my friends to know that I have my faith, so they might begin to drop their stereotypical view of Christianity. Hmm.. I think I might be blabbing on to try and get my point across, hopefully you get what I'm saying here.

So in my dream.. there was a room full of christians, all wearing their colours that were 'suitable' to the culture.. they all fit in.. except for the dude with the strange jacket.. he stood out.. he didnt fit in.. people were interested in his life, in his colour... It was an intriguing colour.. it made him stand out.. but not in a bad way.. it is so hard to explain the feeling I felt when he walked in the room.. it was beautiful, it was a relief, he was amazing. It was almost inspiring seeing him in his colour.. and then he went on to tell me that his colour was his faith.. wow...

I don't think I need to conclude.. you can take from this what you like..

I am inspired..