mood ring please

You know, its strange. In the past few weeks ALL i have been able to think about is how true God's love is.. I have felt overwhelmed by His presence in my life recently, and it has been quite the journey. I sound so cliche saying this - but as someone once pointed out to me - some things just are cliche, because they are... and that's the way it is (I really need to get over the whole issue of sounding cliche - but in this case I just feel like my words aren't justifying what I mean).

So anyway, if you have been a reader of my blog for some time now you will know I have had quite an emotional (would prefer a different word, but I guess thats what it is) journey over the last few years (not that I have written much about it).

I caught up with a friend tonight and we got talking about deep stuff, and I was suddenly reminded of how much I have grown in this last year. It was about June last year that I had my last depressive episode, and it was probably the worst one out of the lot. I'm not denying that I have had my bad days since then, but I know the difference between a bad time and depression. So - anyway, my friend kept talking and it was all fine and dandy, he went on for about 2 hours as per usual and I listened and thought and didn't really say much as per usual..but during this time I felt God reminding me of those dark times I've been through and really pulling at my heart, telling me I was stronger now and that those days have brought me to these days.

When we finished our drink and chat we got up, had a cuddle, and said our goodbyes. Straight away my phone rang. I looked at it and saw that it was someone I wasn't too keen on talking to so I ignored it. They called back. I felt bad and answered it, and much to my disappointment they had called to remind me of something I wasn't too keen on being reminded about! It didn't take me any longer than 3 seconds to feel that horrible sinking feeling - the one that makes me lose any real sense of being reasonable and sends me into a bit of a stress. One thing I can't stand about myself is that when I know I have let someone down I beat myself up about it big time and that sends me into a stress and stress shows itself in the form of anger (yes, it took me a while to work this out)... and then it doesn't take long for the anger to turn on itself and I begin to feel hatred towards myself and as you can imagine this is not a good process.

So.. why am I sharing this on a public blog? Well... yes, I am slightly crazy but the real reason I guess is because my biggest problem is being ashamed of feeling like this, and thinking that I'm not normal for feeling like this, and so I hold it in and then it overloads and I go into a shutdown and before I know it I don't even know I'm in too deep.

The poem I posted before this (which I actually have decided I don't like, but will leave there for sake of well, nothing) is a bit of a reflection about where I see God in all this. I have been so close and personal with God recently, and I know He has been preparing me for...something.. not sure what.. but something. This is the point I seem to have reached in my whole journey of faith so far. I get to the fired up and madly in love with God and seeking His kingdom every minute of the day and talking to Him constantly.. and then something comes along that turns me against myself and I lose all sight of the kingdom, and I lose myself to the ugly feelings. I am determined not to let this happen this time. I know I am going to regret posting this because it reveals a little bit too much about me - but now is not the time for hiding.