the ugly me

i think you are the most beautiful girl
your hair is perfect
your eyes - beautiful and piercing
you talk with character
unmistakable self identity
yet you say you are so self conscious

i see you have it all together
maybe not emotionally, but you are consistent in who you are
you are admired and envied by me and them
we all look at you and cringe - not at you - but judging ourselves in comparison
yet you portray your thoughts as insecure

i cant help but think you are prettier than i am
- because you are -
i cant help but feel jealous
i cant help but wish you would leave
i cant help but wish you never knew me
i cant help but think you are perfect

lately i have been praying for you
but more so for me
that i might channel my frustration into positive thoughts
that i can stop being so jealous
that i will allow myself to let go of the 'me' problems so i can appreciate you for the beautiful you i see

it is tearing at me and i can see it is impacting you
how could i let myself do that?
ugly ugly envy.

i hate being so selfish
i hate being so caught up in myself
i hate that i let it bother me
i dont hate you - i love you

im sorry it appears that way

i hate that im too damned proud to tell you