thinks me words stuffed up

i dont know where to start today

im just going to type and whatever comes out is what you get.

well lately i have been thinking a lot about life and my beliefs and where i stand on a lot of things and basically im really confused. I guess I do have pretty strong opinions on some things, but in other things I am completely fickle and have paper thin reasoning for everything.. I have found lately that my thoughts tell a completely different story than my words and this frustrates the heck out of me. I want so badly to express what I am thinking without stumbling all over my words and not having a vocab big enough to get my point across without tainting it with lameness. I often walk away from conversations feeling like a total fool. Why cant I just say it - why cant it just roll out my mouth in the same language as Im thinking it?

A few years ago a guy I was really diggin told me I had a 'nervous giggle'.. he said it in a way that made me feel self conscious about it.. like he kinda pointed it out as a fault or something.. and yeah fo shizz he was spot on.. I did have a nervous giggle.. but that giggle helped me break the silence for words to come out.. i guess? It was like the giggle replaced the need for those tough first words.. i dunno.. but anyway.. i worked hard on breaking the nervous giggle habit.. and it broke.. but along with that came this self conscious thing where I was constantly thinking about what I sounded like.. what other little nervous ticks did I have? Now I think it is habit for me without even realising it to be all worried about what I sound like and I completely lose what I want to say! It annoys me.

And another thing - I often say words that are not anything like what I want to say.. so not only do I not say my thoughts.. but I say them wrong.. and most of the time I have poor choice of wording so it makes me sound like a bitter cow or a negative nancy.

Hmmm this is not a massive thing for me, but it does affect me. I just want to feel like I can open up with people and say what im really thinking.. instead of what I think might sound OK. Its hard to explain.. its not like every conversation I have is like this.. in fact.. its pretty much only people that I care a lot about who I get like this with. If its just a regular convo with mates I am fine..

Its stupid. I should feel most comfortable with these people. I should feel like I can be myself because I love them so much. Who knows.

But anyway - the whole paper thin opinions and reasoning thing. I feel like a fool. No other word to describe it. I have so many intelligent friends around me who I LOVE talking with.. I actually love it.. but I always feel like I have nothing to contribute.. the other night my friend was saying some stuff to me about his views on things and I was sitting there taking it all in - so much that I didnt have anything to say back to him.. poor guy didnt know if I understood what he meant or if I was even listening.. made me feel like a real fool. I guess I just feel a bit insecure about the whole intelligence thing.. but in saying that.. i encourage my students everyday to embrace their natural intelligence because we all have different ways we are smart and gifted.. so I guess mine is something im yet to discover.

This is a bit of a rant, but I guess a blog is a good spot to have a good old rant about whatever.