mood ring please

You know, its strange. In the past few weeks ALL i have been able to think about is how true God's love is.. I have felt overwhelmed by His presence in my life recently, and it has been quite the journey. I sound so cliche saying this - but as someone once pointed out to me - some things just are cliche, because they are... and that's the way it is (I really need to get over the whole issue of sounding cliche - but in this case I just feel like my words aren't justifying what I mean).

So anyway, if you have been a reader of my blog for some time now you will know I have had quite an emotional (would prefer a different word, but I guess thats what it is) journey over the last few years (not that I have written much about it).

I caught up with a friend tonight and we got talking about deep stuff, and I was suddenly reminded of how much I have grown in this last year. It was about June last year that I had my last depressive episode, and it was probably the worst one out of the lot. I'm not denying that I have had my bad days since then, but I know the difference between a bad time and depression. So - anyway, my friend kept talking and it was all fine and dandy, he went on for about 2 hours as per usual and I listened and thought and didn't really say much as per usual..but during this time I felt God reminding me of those dark times I've been through and really pulling at my heart, telling me I was stronger now and that those days have brought me to these days.

When we finished our drink and chat we got up, had a cuddle, and said our goodbyes. Straight away my phone rang. I looked at it and saw that it was someone I wasn't too keen on talking to so I ignored it. They called back. I felt bad and answered it, and much to my disappointment they had called to remind me of something I wasn't too keen on being reminded about! It didn't take me any longer than 3 seconds to feel that horrible sinking feeling - the one that makes me lose any real sense of being reasonable and sends me into a bit of a stress. One thing I can't stand about myself is that when I know I have let someone down I beat myself up about it big time and that sends me into a stress and stress shows itself in the form of anger (yes, it took me a while to work this out)... and then it doesn't take long for the anger to turn on itself and I begin to feel hatred towards myself and as you can imagine this is not a good process.

So.. why am I sharing this on a public blog? Well... yes, I am slightly crazy but the real reason I guess is because my biggest problem is being ashamed of feeling like this, and thinking that I'm not normal for feeling like this, and so I hold it in and then it overloads and I go into a shutdown and before I know it I don't even know I'm in too deep.

The poem I posted before this (which I actually have decided I don't like, but will leave there for sake of well, nothing) is a bit of a reflection about where I see God in all this. I have been so close and personal with God recently, and I know He has been preparing me for...something.. not sure what.. but something. This is the point I seem to have reached in my whole journey of faith so far. I get to the fired up and madly in love with God and seeking His kingdom every minute of the day and talking to Him constantly.. and then something comes along that turns me against myself and I lose all sight of the kingdom, and I lose myself to the ugly feelings. I am determined not to let this happen this time. I know I am going to regret posting this because it reveals a little bit too much about me - but now is not the time for hiding.

forecast: gloomy.

I see a pattern emerging
He is consistent, yet unpredictable.
He loves loves loves - till I overflow
This trend is becoming typical.

My mind cannot comprehend
That part of me has a will of its own.
It beckons for more
Feeding - preparing for the unknown.

In the moment I am fueled
Anticipating fire
I tease the flame -
- a dangerous game
Begging to be ignited.

I always know it is His way of forecast
He tells me in His own cryptic style.
My heart hears His words - my head refuses to listen
I should have learnt by now, but this could take a while.

widower

departure of the cruelest kind
a lingering affliction
impending sorrow
he aches for her misfortune
wanting to ease her discomfort
with the touch of his sturdy hand to hers - frail.

emptiness

there she lies, depleted.
the wrinkles across her eyelids tell the stories of her years
thin, fragile, worn and tired
clay - the vessel for her soul

all
that
is
left

he weeps for her tragedy
how she deserved to live it full
overwhelmed by anguish and confusion
why her?

he turns to god in skepticism
how he could bare to see her ill?
he let her die a heinous death
did he filter out our prayers?

his eyes are dry
but his spirit is drenched
weeping for you, his child
let him fill you, recharge, you have a battle to fight
but may you know she rests well
and with god, you need not be polite.

...

to live that life
what it must be like
to learn to love
but not too close
to know the only ones who wont
are the ones who have

another rant

I am just amazed at the ways God has chosen to protect me throughout my life. One of the ways I honestly believe he has protected me is by making me cynical.

This weekend I was on a leadership training camp thingy and I'm pretty sure I spoke up a bit too much and perhaps offended people who live in a smug little world of their own. I'm SURE these people don't actually believe what they are regurgitating, but are just so used to saying what pleases others and are stuck in that cycle of spewing out words that they have said a million times before just because they sound right... I'm positive these guys haven't actually thought about it - if they have I am quite sad.

I'm talking about young people who are trying so damn hard to fit in with what is the 'right' thing to do...and then older people not wanting to face facts that these young dudes are just copying what they do.. instead of having a conviction and actually believing what they are saying. I think I stepped on a few toes when I shoved a bit of reality into their thoughts this weekend.

At one point all of the senior leaders got together (about 10 of us) and we were chatting about what steps to take as far as programming and such. **I should mention - this is a leadership training camp that trains youth as cabin leaders on a christian camp for kids**. So we got talking, and a few people mentioned that 'devotion time' was good at night time for girls because it calmed them down and made them sleepy...and the boys said that it just didn't work at night for the guys because it almost had the opposite effect, with boys wanting to stay up late all night chatting. This began to frustrate me. The girls were crapping on about how effective it is blah blah blah and all I could think about was how INEFFECTIVE it was! Reality check - is the purpose of devotion time to 'calm them down so they get all sleepy and go to bed'?? And isn't it a good thing that the boys want to chat lots about it?

I probably got a bit carried away when I voiced my opinion - but seriously.. I think the idea of devotion time is crap if it isn't reflected over the entire course of the camp anyway. We shouldn't sit down in a group and flick a switch in us that says 'now we are going to be spiritual and holy and such'.. ugh. So I had my rant and they all looked at me like stunned mullets.

I don't do camps much these days - well.. sort of.. I go there as support staff to encourage leaders but that's about it. I used to have such a passion for camps (the kids) - but now I am finding myself passionate about the older ones.. the teens.. who are leading the kids.

Its funny - I did a workshop at this leadership training. As I was preparing for the workshop I really felt like I had nothing to offer - until I got up there and started going for it and all of a sudden I felt passion and I was literally saying things I had never considered before and the lights were coming on in the eyes of these youth. I just think its cool to feel passion.

I'm one of those people who is pretty self directed and does something if I feel its right - but as for passion, I have lacked in that department, and anyone close to me would know that when I'm asked what my passions are I get totally stumped and can't actually name any. I now have two. One is this young people kinda thing and the other is something I will share with you at another point in time :-)

bouncy bouncy

I would like to bounce some ideas off you so please let me know what you think!

Matthew 5:38
You have heard that it was said 'eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.' but I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on your right cheek, turn to him the other also.

I just got thinking about this. This verse is often used as a 'don't get angry.. Show the love of Christ' kinda thing. And I thought... Does god really want us to just keep getting slapped around or what? Then I thought about it logically... Why the direct reference to the right cheek? Let's think about it.. Most people are dominant in their right hand.. So going by the assumption that people would hit with their dominant hand it would be a reasonable assumption to say that the bible is referring to someone hitting you on your right cheek with their right hand..which would be a backhanded slap (which is an act of disrespect) Because it's pretty hard to punch someone on their right cheek with your right hand. You with me?

So.. Assuming this is all ok so far.. I'm going to suggest that what this verse could really be saying is that if we get slapped (maybe not just physically, but metaphorically) that we should not take that disrespect, but to turn our other cheek so that it then becomes an even battle so to speak, instead of a master slapping a servant kinda thing. When you turn your left cheek they cant slap you anymore - they have to punch you if they want to hit you. When you turn the other cheek, suddenly you are on even standing... Instead of being the one disrespected.
I'm struggling to think of a better way to explain it, but it's like when you turn that cheek you are saying "hit me like I'm worth hitting.. Not just like I'm a piece of slavery that means nothing to you.. Hit me like a man."

"do not resist an evil person"... Sometimes I think this part of the verse gets overlooked. Don't resist it... Turn that cheek and take them on.

I'm not sure..I just think there is a reason for the detail in the scripture.. And it is worth thinking about.

I have no idea how valid any of my thinking is on this.. And I'm not 100% convinced I'm right or anything.. I never am! It's always good to explore things and bounce ideas.

The verse continues and I have a few more theories that follow on from this.. But I will start with this!

Corrie

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

the promise

A few months ago I asked for something and in return I was given a desire.

I felt a promise. A promise that I need not worry about it because that something was already mine... In time.

The desire, I believe, is what will bring me to the place where I am ready to have that something that I first asked for.

The desire has matured in me and set its place firm in my heart.

It's time for action.

For once in my life I am passionate and sure.

It is time to blaze!

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]