A series of events filled my day, each with their own unique style of ruining my optimism. I was pissed off. So angry at the world and I wanted to tell everyone just how mad I was, but I didn't want to talk to anyone...so that made it a little hard for me. I ended up sprawled out on my bed staring at a tiny spider crawling along my window. I stayed there for hours just letting my thoughts pass into a haze of ignorance and denial. I didn't feel angry in that state, just numb. I felt no sadness and no worry. I love that our minds have the ability to escape our feelings.. At least long enough to calm down and wait long enough for the dust to settle. Today was crap. Tomorrow will probably reflect and respond to today's happenings...who knows? I'm not about to pretend that my life is meant to be peachy. It's not.
A friend told me today she thought I'd had above and beyond my fair share of 'bleh' moments...and that life doesn't seem to deal them out equally. It's strange, because even though she sees my life as being unfairly overindulged in rubbishy events, I still feel like I've got it good and often wish I could take some of someone elses problems on behalf of them because I don't think it is dealt out fair. Bizaarro.
A part of me is glad to have trials. A very small part. But a part. I'm choosing to tap into that miniscule part of me and try to enlarge it for the sake of my character. I know that trials are opportunities to extend myself and amplify my faith, I'm just not sure I have wired the amp right, and wouldn't want to blow a fuse.
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